I knew her before I had even met her. I loved her more fiercely than anyone could love another human being. I cherished her lullabies that were never sung to me, I clutched the one batch of letters that she had sent me, and I clung to Mother's Day presents that were never sent.

Often times, people hear the word "adoption" and think that it is a cure-all magical tonic that will keep everyone in the situation happy. Don't get me wrong, a child can always come to love the family that has adopted them and loves them, but it's not that simple. Even when adopted into a happy and loving home, there are heavy weights and pains that come with being adopted that others don't think about.

1. There is a mourning process.

When somebody finds out that they are adopted, there are multiple things that we tend to grieve over. We grieve over a loss of self, we grieve over the sense of pure belonging that every child has with their family, we grieve over siblings that we've never met and do not know exist, and more often than not, we grieve over the separation.

It does not matter how young or old someone may have been when they were put up for adoption- there is a pain attributed to the loss of a mother and father, especially if we remember the process. When people say to us "but the family you're with loves you, right?" it disregards this grieving process, and I personally feel alone and as if I am being told I am selfish for feeling saddened and hurt on holidays.

Let us grieve. Sometimes it's all we can do.

2. We have questions that lead to empty answers.

Do you know that feeling that occurs when you ask a question in class and the answer you get is useless? Particularly for someone in the closed adoption system, this is a constant weight on our shoulders.

Depending on the state, there is a large fee to even attempt to get into contact with your birth family, and if the results come up dry, then you've wasted money and you have no answers. "What did they look like?" "Do I have siblings?" "Why did they give me up?"

These questions can lead to a sense of worthlessness and abandonment, and it's okay to let us feel those feelings. It's okay to allow us to be confused and need time to process everything. Similar to the first point on the list, just let us feel the way that we need to feel. We don't always need a "but why does it matter if your current family loves you?" when we are feeling this way. This, again, can lead to feelings of guilt over how we feel. 

3. Talking about family can be awkward.

This may be more for open adoptions than for closed adoptions, yet as a person who went through a closed adoption, I can testify on how uncomfortable it is to talk about family.

People tend to speak under the assumption that your family is yours, regardless of if it's by blood or not. When people probe and prod at you for why you get quiet in conversations about family, explaining your situations can be isolating and uncomfortable. This is especially true if the birth family has less than glamorous circumstances or if you don't get along with your adoptive family.

I love my family very much (both of them), but talking about family moments brings up some painful thoughts. I've only recently begun to allow myself to feel all of these emotions, and sorting them out is a pain. Even though I'll get quiet when taking about family, it may not mean that I'm upset. More likely than not, I'm just feeling horribly awkward.

4. Debates about abortion also get awkward.

This rings true especially if your adoption records and reports say something along the lines of "the whole family told her to get rid of the child." Of course, abortion is a high intensity topic to begin with, but you can imagine how weird and unsettling it feels when you realize just how close you were to not being here.

Then the mixed feelings come.

You have the feelings of sadness from being put up for adoption, the painful sense of existing when you were so close to having never been here, the gratitude of being given a chance at life, and the sinking feeling that most people in the room could never guess how directly this topic affects you. At this point, it's hard to even think about the topic at hand, you're back to that frightened, insecure place of "Why was I not wanted?"

Of course, those feelings are more personal, but there are definitely many reasons that adoptees may feel uncomfortable when the topic of abortion comes up. It doesn't mean that we support one side of the issue and not the other. It could very well just be an awkward influx of mixed thoughts and feelings.

5. We love just like everyone else.

Nothing irks me more than when people ask, "don't you love your current family?" Well of course I do! "Aren't you satisfied with THIS life?" I wouldn't have it any other way! Some adoptees may respond differently to these questions, but the point of the matter is that we still love.

Asking questions and being curious about the circumstances of our adoption does not mean that we don't love the people who are currently in our lives. We would care for them and nurture them regardless of whether we are connected by blood or not. Even in times when we are unhappy with our circumstances, it doesn't mean that we don't still love. It's all a matter of letting us feel the feelings of hurt, curiosity, and confusion without assuming that we don't care about what we do have.

Please, try to understand where we are coming from. Of course, I don't speak for every adoptee out there, but I believe that a little consideration, compassion, and support is all we need to feel like we belong somewhere in the world.