Every year during syllabus week, we get into our general education classes and have to do ice-breakers – usually consisting of our name, where we’re from, our year in school, and our major/intended major. Most of you are Biology majors, Engineering majors, Business majors, etc. I, on the other hand, am an English major. What I find interesting is that after I say the words “English” and “major” consecutively, I can hear almost perfectly all of your thoughts. How are you going to live off that major? What can you even do with it? All you do is read anyways, it’s barely a real major. Followed by some sort of judgement-infused laughing. In fact, I can see you grin and have to mentally fix it because you won’t say any of these things out loud to me. Here’s what I’ve always wanted to tell you: shut the hell up.

For all of you that don’t think English is a “real” major, I politely ask you to kiss my ass as I get an A on every paper we have to write for this basic History class we’re all taking to satisfy a general education course, while most of you struggle to put together a thesis. English is just as “real” as Biology or Engineering, and I can say that with full faith in the statement I just made, because I work just as hard as you do. While you’re all studying for a test next week, I’m writing two essays a week at a minimum of a thousand words – and maybe more depending on how many English classes I take at once, the professors, etc. And don’t take the word “essay” and think it’s a basic, fifth grade introduction, three body paragraphs, and conclusion essay. It’s also not a thesis paper. I learn new ways to write, new things to write about, and new genres of writing each week and have to emulate them onto paper in a creative way. I dare all of you haters to attempt to do that eachweek.

Now, don’t get me wrong, we do read and write a lot. I’m talking a book a week, numerous PDF files of literary excerpts, essays and writing assignments each week, as well as final portfolios. So you’re correct there. Spot on, actually. But what you’re incorrect about is that I don’t do the same amount of work you all do. I mentioned it previously, and I’ll mention it again: I work just as hard as you all do. Let’s make an example out of this: let’s say you’re a basic Biology major (and I say basic as nicely as possible) and you’re studying some new concept that was introduced to you… we’ll go with genetics. So you sit at a desk in the library for two hours studying how genes affect phenotype and how genetics are passed down. For those two hours you’re sitting there, I’ve written maybe one piece of work. Now, if any of you remember from forever ago when you wrote things, you know that the first draft is never the final draft – it’s not even close. So we’ll have to put it away and write our other piece(s) for the week, until enough time has passed to the point where we can pick it back up and edit it, revise it, and tweak it until it’s able to be turned in. While you’ve gotten whole concept under your belt, I’ve only started phase one. BUT WAIT there’s more! I have just over a half of a novel to finish, some PDF excerpts to read, and that other piece to finish! So please, tell me that I don’t work or have as much work as you do.

None of this goes without saying that I, as an English major, can struggle just as much as you people with “real” major do. Writer’s block is SO real and gets every single one of us English majors. So you just study and attempt to understand a topic until it clicks, while I have to sit and stare at my computer until words seem to make sense, which can take days to do.

But let’s not forget the hard-hitting stuff here. English is essential to understanding whatever general concepts. For those chapters in your Biology book on genetics you have to read, some English major teamed up with a Biology major to make those sentences make sense to you as a reader. Without a basic knowledge of the English language, I think you’re basically stupid. Your communication skills are so incredibly bad, it takes me twice as much time to comprehend what the hell you’re trying to say or write. Don’t let your ego get in the way of admitting that everyone – even a Biology major like you – needs English.

And now, here’s the thing: I won’t be living off $100,000 salary each year. But get this… I’ll be HAPPY!!! Let’s just be real for a second and admit that a good chunk of you Biology or Engineering or Business majors are only majoring in those things because you see the dollar signs at the end of the road. I see sunshine and rainbows and some wonderful-smelling flowers and a gorgeous dog at the end of mine. Ten years after you graduate and get your first job, you’ll realize you spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on an education in some field that you aren’t really passionate about. I, on the other hand, will be waking up each day to go to my job (whatever that may be at the time) with a smile on my face because I got a degree in something that’s making me truly happy. They say money can’t buy happiness, so I hope you find something you can purchase that will make you happier than the diploma on your living room wall.

So, next time you think about scoffing at me for whatever judge-y reason you have in your head, remember that your fancy Biology degree ain’t shit if you’re not going to be happy with it in (or yourself for that matter) ten or fifteen years. And, yes, I can help you with the upcoming essay, because we all know you need it.