This is for anyone who wants it to end. The unbearable pain. The immense stress.
This is for anyone who keeps saying to themselves "When will I ever catch a break", or "I've had enough, I'm DONE".
This is for anyone who has sat on their bed watching the blood trickle down their arm from a razor cut. A cut you hoped would hurt enough to distract yourself from the pain going on inside your head.
For the person who dropped a pencil on the floor, and completely lost it. Not because you dropped the pencil, but because of everything that is happening in your life and you just can't take it anymore.
I know how you feel. I have felt the way you're feeling. If I'm being honest I feel this way still at times. But I'm here to tell you that it does get better. This is not the end of your story. This hard time in your life isn't the end of your life. It is a chapter that is going to shape you into the person you are becoming. It's nowhere near pleasant. It feels like the end of the world. But what you are going through right now will only make you stronger.
I know how cliche that sounds. It all does. And when you're in the moment you think it's all a load of crap, and that people are only saying that to you so you feel better, not because it's actually true.
When you're in that dark space, you don't think clearly. You aren't yourself, even if you don't even know who you are anymore. When that cloud of depression hits, and lingers, you are a completely different person than who you are when you're with your friends, laughing hysterically at funny cat videos on YouTube.
First, you need to know that depression isn't your fault. It isn't a switch you can just turn on and off whenever you like. It's a chemical imbalance within your brain. It's occurs at the chemical level of the body. YOU CANNOT CONTROL IT. I know you're fighting with yourself everyday. You beat yourself up for the way that you are. It's almost like your mind won't allow you to be happy. You feel like you are the one standing in between your own happiness. You think it's your fault.
"Why can't I be happy? There's people who have is so much worse than me and they seem to be holding it together better than me".
"I wish I could go back to the old me, the happy me".
Those questions are something that filled my thoughts on a daily basis. I was angry with myself for being depressed. I wanted to go back to "normal". I wanted to flip a switch and magically be better again. I wanted to find the will to live again. I didn't want to have to convince myself that I needed to stay alive today. I wanted to wake up and know that I needed to stay alive because I have a purpose to live for. I wanted it to come automatically to me.
I didn't want to think about killing myself after something bad happened to me. I wanted to be able to deal with my emotions in a productive way. But I didn't know how. My mind was playing all these games on me. I hated it. I was my own worst enemy.
I wanted to wake up and not want to go back to sleep instantly. I wanted to be able to go to sleep at night, instead of letting my dark thoughts get the best of me and stay awake in bed until 3 A.M., simply thinking about everything terrible and traumatic that had happened in my life. I wanted to go through the days and not think about wanting to die.
I want you to know that there are times in life that are downright HORRIBLE. In the moment you feel like your life is over, and you can't go on any longer. You're physically and emotionally drained. You hate life, and you don't see a purpose in living any longer. You get so consumed in your own depression induced thoughts that you think killing yourself would be your only option. You don't want another day of pain, you don't want to live another second in the hell that is your reality.
You want to die.
Maybe you are ready.
Maybe you've made a plan.
Maybe you're making an enormous mistake.
You can't see it now, but you are wrong if you think killing yourself is going to fix your problems. Killing yourself will end YOUR problems, sure. But it will create so much heartache for your loved ones. You have people who love you, who care for you, who want to see you smile again. You have people who love the sound of your laugh, or how your eyes look when the sunlight hits them. You have people whose souls would be crushed if you made that final decision to end your life.
Sometimes when you're are going through the horrible times in your life, the times where you don't want to live for yourself anymore, you have to live of the people you love. You have to live for them in that moment until you can learn to live for yourself as well.
You have to think of your loved ones, and how killing yourself would affect their lives. How broken their hearts would be. How every time they went into the gas station and saw your favorite candy bar, they'd think of you. They'd think how they failed to help you. The people around you would feel so guilty if you made that final decision. Even though it's no one's fault, they would put the blame on themselves, because they would feel like they should have done more. They would feel like they should have known, or picked up on more signs, or wished they would have answered your call when they were in that meeting that day.
You love the people who love you. You don't want to cause them pain. You make sure their happy, and that you do everything to maintain their happiness. Killing yourself would CRUSH the people who love you, the people who know you, and the people who love the people who love you. If you kill yourself it will cause a chain reaction of never ending pain.
When you kill yourself your personal pain goes away.
Where does it go?
It goes on the people who love you.
Your pain transfers to them, and it will never leave him.
I'm not a poster child for mental health awareness, but I do know speaking from experience that things do become more bearable eventually.
Your hard times will subside. You will get through this. It may feel like an eternity, but you will see the light again. Maybe you've been in the dark for so long, you can't even remember what the light feels like. But hold on, just hold on, and you will see the light once more.
Hard times reveal things about yourself that you never knew. They teach you just how strong, and resilient you are. They build your character. They make you more empathetic, and able to help others through their dark times as well.
You are going through this pain for a purpose.
Maybe you don't know the purpose right now, maybe you won't know for years. But your pain does have a purpose. I can't tell you what that purpose is, but when you find out you will understand.
You will grow stronger from your hardships. You will become a better, more gentle person from them. In those moments at 2 A.M. when you're on the bathroom floor crying, asking yourself what there is to live for, you need to remember this.
You are going to be okay. I know you can't see it now, but things will get better. You will smile again. You will feel like yourself again. Healing takes time. Allow yourself the time necessary to properly heal. Don't be hard on yourself, even though it's hard not to be.
Lean on the people who care and support you. Go outside and take a walk. (I know you don't feel like even getting out of bed, but you need to) Take a shower. Write. Read. Watch funny cat videos. Do something that you can think of that will make you feel better.
When you are in these dark moments in your life , it feels like there's a cloud hovering over you, and you just can't escape that cloud's wrath. And maybe that's true. Maybe the cloud doesn't go away until you force yourself to move, to change. Maybe the cloud will stay forever if you let it. If we stay in limbo, all we will know is darkness.
I urge you to find the light.
