This is an apology.

You never deserved what I did to you. I tore some part of you out, placed it on the ground, and stomped on it. Or at least I can imagine that's what it felt like. It could have been worse. Your heart isn't a play toy, no one's is. Despite whether I "played you" or not, I did hurt you, and I want to apologize.

I'm sorry for earning your trust, before taking it and breaking it. Trust is something not to take lightly, or misuse, but I did, and I'm sorry. You were right, we had something good building again, something worth fighting for. Yet, I didn't fight. I retreated to my most vulnerable state and made mistakes that were not worth making. Not again. Hating myself, feeling lonely, I acted on those feelings, but in the end, all my actions did was increase those feelings. I felt no sense of happiness after, but I wanted to. I craved that happiness, but here I am, writing an apology, because you made me feel. I cannot tell you I regret what I did because it is already done and there is no point wasting my time on regret. But that does not mean I don't care. I care more than I can put into words, but this is an attempt to do my best. I truly want what is best for you, and that may include not being in your life.

I'm sorry my respect for you was shadowed by my mistakes. For so long I've looked up to you, respected you, yearned for your trust and love. You must wonder why I did what I did, and I should tell you that I do as well. I take full responsibility for what happened. There is no blame placed on a third party, or any type of outside influence. I did this. I hurt you. I know.

Mistakes aren't hard to make. One wrong turn and you're there. During the time I've known you, I've taken many wrong turns and I can't turn back. I wasn't there for you the way I should have been, and I didn't reach out as much as I could have. For that, I'm truly sorry. I'm sorry for every mean, ugly thing I have said to you, as those are not my true feelings. There are times I let my feelings get the best of me in a particular moment, and I let that happen too much with you. There are few words to make up for what I did, the trust I broke, the heart I hurt, and the feelings I disregarded. However I hope you can feel that I want your forgiveness. I want peace.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't stronger now. When someone you love unconditionally hates you, you get stronger. You realize more mistakes, learn who and what is worth it or not worth it, and you grow. I'm sorry for making mistakes I can't take back, doing things I can't change, and saying things I can't retract. I understand if my apology does not mean much to you now. I'm glad you've moved on if you have, and I hope with everything in me that you are happy with your life and who is in it. However, please, through your pain, know that I am sorry. If you never speak to me again, know that I will always love you, always wonder how you are, and always always care for you.

But most importantly, if this is the last time we come in contact, know that I am sorry.

This is an apology.