Where am I from? To be completely honest, I can’t tell you. This simple introductory question is one that I constantly have trouble answering. If I want to keep it short, I answer the last place I lived, however, that isn’t where I feel I am from. Home is where the heart is, but what if my heart is not in the U.S. even though I am deemed “American?”
The formal definition of a third culture kid is a child raised in a culture other than their parents' for a significant part of their early development years. I lived in Japan for my first 8 years of life, and I spent some of my high school years in China. I think we have all heard the term, “Asian American,” one who’s heritage is Asian but they grew up in America; however, what about the term “American Asian?” If this nomenclature was commonplace, I don’t think I would have too hard of a time describing my cultural disposition, but since it is not, TCKs like myself, are oftentimes misunderstood.
When I moved to the U.S. I felt severely displaced. During my first school assembly, everyone put their hand over their heart and said the pledge of allegiance, something I had never seen or heard before. I silently stood there, surrounded by American children reciting an American mantra, and for the first time, I felt as if I didn't belong. When I would bring onigiri to the lunch table in a bento box, I was told to move it away, given weird looks, asked why in the world THAT was my lunch. Encounters like these made me question how I was acting. Why was how I was acting suddenly unacceptable? Why must I change my identity to fit in to what people think I should be like? I remember asking my mom, “Can I tell people I am Japanese?” and she replied “No, because you would be lying”. I feel too foreign to be American but I appear too American to be foreign. This cognitive dissonance leads to a great sense of loneliness.
Being a TCK who repatriated to their passport country can be very isolating and confusing. You always have two identities battling: the one people expect from you based on your appearance, and the one you truly feel connected to. I don’t blame people for misunderstanding myself and other TCKs. It isn’t an easy or common concept. Despite this, I think it is something more people should be aware of.
I wanted to put my experience out there to share to the TCKs: you are not alone, many of us are going through the same thing as you, and to the non-TCKs, please consider what we are going through and how we feel. We may appear as if we are from somewhere, but we may never feel a connection to there. We do things differently than many who look like us, because that wasn’t what we did for most of our lives. We are not being “fake” by engaging in the cultural practices of another country, we are just doing what we know. Please do not confine us to what you think you know from our appearance, and please do not scorn us for being the way we are.
Why is “Asian American” a term, and not “American Asian”? I believe it is a lack of awareness and understanding. I encourage people to look beyond appearances because a sense of identity is much more complex than what is outwardly expressed.
