My cerebral palsy has done a lot for my family. I had to have extra care from my parents growing up, and I still do today. I can’t drive, I can’t cook, I can’t do my hair, etc. But, yet when it comes to my future, I don’t care.
So, as a result of my neediness, everyone needs to help me. Someone needs to make meals for me, do my hair, and drive me around. I do care, but they need to care for me.
I have big plans for myself for 2017. This coming spring is my last chance to do the Disney College Program. If I get in, I am going, depending on my dad’s health. I have my mom’s approval and everything. I also plan on going to NYC next year with my friends to see “Anastasia” again and hope to finally snag tickets to “Hamilton” for the end of the year (Found orchestra tickets for June, but I need to save my money for the DCP entrance fee). Then, I’m planning on going to the D23 Expo and then Disneyland with my friends in July. I also recently decided that if I don’t have a job by June 2017, I’m going to graduate school to study scriptwriting. I’m looking at colleges in Georgia, California, Pennsylvania, and even Canada! The only job I have is retail that only pays $9 per hour. In other words: I have no money for anythingl. But, yet for my future, I don’t care.
As you can tell, my life is a constant challenge. I want to do so many things, but I need to think of my family too. I have so many challenges for living on my own, such as money and physical need problems, and I have to face it: My goals right now are unrealistic. On the way to rehearsal for “Tommy” last Friday, my mom told me how selfish I am and how I need to think about our family, instead of myself. That was when it hit me: I don’t know how to think about my family.
You see, my siblings are fully able. They can drive and do whatever they want. No limitations. They can move out and live wherever if they have enough money. I’m jealous of them. I am limited. So, I have to drag them in my life. They need to drive me around as early as 9 to my unpaid internship on Wednesday morning and as late as 11pm every weekday to pick me up from “Tommy” rehearsals. Because of my cerebral palsy, my siblings need to drive me around. They even tell me that I’m selfish. I forgive them. I don’t want them to drive me around early and very late either. I hate it. I hate that I take time away from them. But, yet what about me? What about my theatre career? What about some work experience that is unpaid, but it can lead me to a job? They are supposed to be paid for driving me home at night, but what about my money that I’m saving for the DCP. I want to pay my siblings. I don’t want them to stop everything they're doing to take me to Point A or Point B. But, I need to live my life like everyone else.
What about my dreams and plans? I just want to follow my heart and leap to the next big adventure. I always have been like that. When I was in 8th grade, I couldn’t shut up about being in high school. When I was in high school, I couldn’t shut up about being in college. When I was in college, I couldn’t shut up about how beautiful life will be after college. Right now, my dream plans excite the heck out of me, so naturally my instinct is to go after my dreams. Screw the money, screw everything in Maryland. When I want something, I go after it. I want it now. I’m a go-getter. I dream of being an actress. I dream of being a writer. Screw being realistic. I want to follow my heart. I want to do the impossible.
But…my money? I can do the DCP because I’ll get paid doing it and I technically don’t have for pay for housing because it comes out of my paycheck. But, grad school, which will open the door to my dream career, can’t be possible. I do have a job, but I just started it. And $4,000 won’t be enough to live on my own. I may be pulling out loans for tuition and housing, my loans won’t cover for everything. The realistic part of me tells me to wait to get more money. But, my heart says I want to begin my writing career now. Life’s too short to wait. But (AGAIN), I have no money! I need to wait. But…
But….but….but…but…I….I…me…me….me! I have to face it: I’m a selfish person. I’m selfish to others because I want to live my life. I’m selfish to myself because I want to live my life. What can I say? I want to fulfill my life. I want to enjoy my life. Making all of my dreams come true because it’s one life that God gives me. But, I need to learn to say no. I need to have a theatre career while giving things up for my family. I need to pursue my dreams when things are possible. I need to learn to control myself. That’s going to be my goal in 2017: Being the same, excitable dreaming Emily while being less selfish.
