I used to think about it everyday- what my life would be like if he had stayed. The should have's and could of's used to eat me alive.

I still think about it, from time to time. What would my life be like if I grew up with a father? Would I smile more, would I be more outgoing, would I love myself just a little bit more?

When I was little my friends used to tell me I was lucky because I cant remember him leaving, as if that made it less painful. They were wrong. It hurt a thousand times more.

How could you not say goodbye? How could you not at least wait until I could walk, and learn your name? Do you know what my first words were? Did you think about the endless nights I listened to mom screaming your name, beginning God you would come back to us. You left me. You left us. She loved you more than I can ever imagine loving some one, she loved you in a way that I will never get to see her love again. Even through deceit and abandonment, she prayed for you to come back home. She loved you and I don't think she will ever love again.

Will I ever be able to love? I don't want to believe that my father's absence has left me incapable of ever loving someone.

I wish he knew how badly I wanted him there at my 6th birthday party, and my 8th, and my 17th. I wish he knew that when I blew out my candles I would wish for him, every time. I wish he knew that my envy turned to great sadness every time I watched my best friend play with her father, like they were best friends. I wish he knew that even now, 19 years later, I still cry at night thinking about who will walk me down the aisle at my wedding. I wish he knew that I have his wide feet and his hazel eyes, and my short 5'0" height is from him. I wish he knew that I love him to endless heights, for creating me. I wish he knew that I still wish for him to come back home.