I can tell you the exact dates of when I found out my loved ones had end stage cancer. They were given a time, not a cure, and that was devastating. In three years I lost three men who had significant impacts on my life, including my grandfather. As I went through the process each time, I learned something new, and so often I wish someone had warned me of these things. But, that was the point I guess, to learn and to grow, and to make something out of the deaths that were far too early. So while there is no time for me to learn these things, in my attempt to fight back at cancer, just a tiny bit, I decided maybe someone else should know these things.
1. The mourning process starts the minute the diagnosis is given
When cancer strikes a family, and I mean the cancer where you know you’re going to lose someone, the mourning process starts with the diagnosis. I remember the day my grandfather was diagnosed to the hour, and I remember knowing in that moment, that the man I loved would soon leave me. That pain is worse than the pain at the end. It takes your breath away, and it's like the world stops spinning. The grieving stages started almost immediately, and would last the duration and beyond.
2. There is no forgiveness
It's been three years since I lost Bill to cancer, and still not a day goes by that there isn’t some anger towards that disease. When people die of a heart attack, or of something tragic, there is a way to forgive.With cancer, I can’t forgive. I can’t fathom a way to forgive a disease that destroys so many lives. So, it is like a part of me is forever stuck in the grieving process. Maybe one-day forgiveness will come when a cure is found, but for now, I will always have that slight anger towards the disease.
3. Should've, would’ve, could’ve
The day my grandfather was moved permanently into the hospital, it was my responsibility to be watching him. As the days went on I kept asking, should I have woken him up more, should I have made him go to a doctor sooner? The questions were never ending and they ate at me. I felt like there was something I should’ve done to prevent the inevitable. But that’s what it was, inevitable. The cancer was going to take over, whether I wanted it to or not, whether Bill wanted it to or not, whether Ben fought or not, and that was final. The should’ve, would’ve, and could’ve’s took over my every thought. But here’s the thing: you most likely did everything you could. You loved them, and that’s what they needed most. So while the other questions will be there, don’t forget that you gave them all your love and all your heart in the end.4.There is relief followed by guilt
When my loved ones died of cancer, there was this moment of relief. They were out of pain, I felt like I could breathe again, life wasn’t frozen anymore. Then there was a terrible amount of guilt. What kind of human was I to feel that way. I supposedly loved these people with all my heart, and here I was relieved that this whole ordeal was over. That guilt was consuming. It took me over, and almost destroyed me.
5. It's OK
A cancer diagnosis, is a family diagnosis. Time stops, your world stops. You never know when something is going to happen. That relief, its from knowing they aren’t in pain, from knowing that they are back with you in a different way. It’s knowing that your family can begin to live again. Because ultimately at the end of any cancer battle, our loved ones aren’t fully there anymore. It’s okay to have that relief feeling.
6. Pay attention to the people who are there in the middle
Everyone wants to be there at two parts, the beginning and the end. It’s the people who are there in the middle of the chaos, when things keep changing, when life seems to be moving around you, and when decisions have to be made, that really matter. These are the people that will be there long after you say your goodbyes. Pay attention-- these people are the important ones.7. It hurts and it’s OK to lose it
When my grandfather had cancer I felt that I had to compose myself all the time. Everyone was watching our family seeing how we were doing and I felt like I had to keep it under control and not let my emotions out. This eventually backfired. That cancer diagnosis, where there is no good ending, hurts more than anything I have ever experienced in my life. This is where your people come in to play. You have to have a support system and you have to allow yourself to cry and hurt, and be angry. You have to mourn throughout the process. And ultimately it’s okay to absolutely lose it, this is an acceptable time to do that.8. Once you’ve been affected by cancer you are never the same
I’ve lost three extremely important people in my life to cancer over the last three years. And after I have gone through each one, I have come out a different person. This last one I think changed me the most. But even if it's just learning a life lesson, it's one of those situations where you can’t possibly come out the same you went in. Your life is changed, you’re changed, and that is okay. Let it happen. It just shows that you went through something and came out on the other side.9.The hardest part isn’t the death, it's watching your loved one go through cancer
When I look at the people I love who have gone to heaven because of cancer, and I look back at the experiences, it wasn’t the end that was the hardest. Yes, learning to live without them and finding a new normal was and continues to be a huge challenge, but there is a peace knowing that they aren’t in pain and that cancer did not win (refer to Stuart Scott for an explanation). But it was seeing them go through hell. The treatments, the deterioration of their bodies, for my grandfather the loss of his ability to speak, and worst of all, their pain. Watching the people I love go through that, and me just having to sit there, not being able to do anything, was awful. And that was the hardest part. Losing them piece by piece and having to watch is inexplicable.10. You don’t have to change the world because someone you love had/has cancer
After Bill passed away from cancer, I thought I needed to change the world, start a new foundation, cure cancer. You don't. After I settled down, I decided a small fundraiser would do just fine. I ran a half marathon in his honor and raised a few hundred dollars that went toward the cause.
Now every year, I try to do the same thing, and I try to run races that give money to a cause that is near and dear to my heart. Every little bit helps But most importantly I tell stories, and I keep their memory alive everywhere I go. I don’t need to change the world or find a cure, I’ll leave that to the scientists, but what I can do, is make sure that the people around me know how amazing my loved ones are.
11. Keep walking
Time freezes. But you can’t. As hard as it is, you have to keep walking. Whether that’s going to school, or to work, or taking care of your little sibling or cooking dinner, you have to keep walking. Just because our world is collapsing, doesn’t mean the rest of the world has stopped. Your loved one wouldn’t want that because that’s not how they would be. Whatever you do, do with them in mind and do to your best ability. Keep walking, no matter what.
I wish I had good news or a positive way to put things, but as I have learned reality is what reality is. I’m a firm believer in God, and that His plan is greater, but that hasn’t stopped me from questioning what has happened these past few years. The one thing I can say is that in going through something like this, you are never alone. The sad truth is that cancer affects thousands of lives per year, which means most likely someone around you is going through or has gone through something similar. Find your people, and lean on them. Cancer can take lives, but as Stuart Scott said “you beat cancer by how you live, why you live and the manner in which you live” and as we all continue to fight this disease, there will come a day when we will win. Until then, keep fighting, keep loving, and keep walking.
