Tonight is one of those nights. One of those nights where I close my eyes and all the memories come flooding back. One of those nights where I feel like I can't breathe because I miss you. One of those nights where I hate every inch of my being because it's been months, yet you still feel like home.
I wish you knew what it feels like to have someone build you up just to tear you down. To be helplessly in love with someone who has their foot in your gut and who is the searing pain in your chest. I wish you knew what it's like to hate having a memory, running away from all the flashbacks of moments you wanted to last forever. I wish you knew what it feels like to map out blueprints for your future with someone who you thought you had it all with- just to watch them go up in flames. I wish you knew what it feels like to feel your heart being ripped in half every time you smell that familiar scent of Degree deodorant or whenever you stumble across a picture, or the soul-crushing moment whenever you think about all the empty promises made in the rain that never turned out to be reality, or all the conversations that were had under the starry Western New York sky.
And when you finally do get a taste of what if feels like- which I sincerely pray that you won't, because it sucks- but when you finally do, I hope that you realize that no one deserves to feel that crappy about themselves. No one deserves to close their eyes and get flashbacks of amazing, beautiful moments and feel that dull ache in their chest. No one deserves to be tossing and turning every single night, repeatedly asking themselves the same burning question of "Why wasn't I good enough?" No one deserves to be haunted by all the different possibilities and all the "what if's" till it feels like it's drilling a hole the size of Texas in your skull, because it sucks. The nights not being able to sleep, the days spent crying, the multiple showers a day to hide the fact that you're drenched in tears. It sucks.
When you finally feel all this hurt for yourself, I hope that you manage to find joy in the pain. Know that it gets better. It's going to hurt for a while, but it definitely gets better, and when it does, I hope you learn to be more considerate of others and their feelings, because nobody enjoys feeling the pain that they caused others because of themselves. Take this time to build and improve your relationship with God and with the people around you. Please learn that people, things, etc- these are all things that should not be taken for granted. Once they're gone, they're gone.
I have no idea how you're doing. I don't know if you still think about me from time to time, or if you have a new lady in your life- and truthfully, I'm glad I don't. I guess I'll end this thing by thanking you- thank you for helping me find who I am. I have learnt to heal in divine peace. I've learnt to find my identity through Christ, and I am so tremendously thankful for this past few months of healing and growing. All of these wonderful things wouldn't have happened if you hadn't left, so thank you for that. I hope you're doing well. Every time I listen to that one song by Simple Plan, I still think of you, and maybe that will change over time.. But the one thing that will never change is that you'll always be in my prayers. Always.
