We all have that thought in the last month of summer break. I wish I was already back at college. What a funny thought to be crossing our minds when summer break is all we looked forward to last semester. Most of us have those kind of thoughts because we don't have friends in our hometown anymore, or we don't want to live with our parents for the summer, or we're tired of summer jobs, or we're just bored as fuck. But honestly? It's because summer break (especially here at Sewanee,) is just too damn long.
My reasons are, however, different. I'm spending my summer break in India with my extended family.
"Oh wow, India looks so beautiful, I've always wanted to visit," is a common reaction from a lot of my friends at college. Yeah, I'd say India is pretty gorgeous. Too bad I only get to admire the view from my bedroom window.
You see, in India, I'm not allowed outside. I'm not allowed to wear just anything, I'm not allowed to meet anyone male (friends or cousins,) I'm not allowed to exist outside a certain gendered box. When I'm in India, I can't wear skirts or dresses or shorts or even short sleeves. People look at me funny because I wear jeans to church; "Why doesn't she just wear a salwar*, her jeans are too tight" they whisper. "It's these foreign influences, they ruin children," they whisper. Now, when my family goes to church I stand outside and wait because after the first time, the priest called the night before and told them that I shouldn't wear jeans to church- but I didn't have any salwars, and I definitely did not want any just for a few Sundays at church. My uncle tells me that my hair is too wild, my aunt tells me my neckline is too low, my mother tells me I have to wear a shirt that is loose enough that it covers my butt and doesn't show the curve of my back, my father tells me I look like a prostitute because I put on some burgundy lipstick.
When I'm in India, they look at my dyed blue-green hair and tut disapprovingly, but the younger ones stare and sometimes come to me and shyly tell me they like it. My parents laugh nervously in public, terrified that my hair, of all things, will shame them in front of my extended family, terrified that someone will accuse them of bad parenting, of bringing up a girl unsuitable for marriage, a rebel.
When I'm in India, men assume that I'm slutty because I've adopted 'white culture' obviously,with my western clothes and my 'crazy' hair. They leer at me and gawk and my mother grips my hand tighter, like these men could grab me and run at any moment in broad daylight- because it has happened many times to others- and those men have faced no consequences.
When I'm in India, and we have more people than the dining table can seat, the men eat first and the women eat the leftover afterwards. The men sit in the living room to talk and the women talk in the kitchen, even me, even though my cousins are in the other room and they are who I want to talk to. I can't hang out with my male cousins a lot even though they're my favorites, my closest partners in
crime, because they are men and I am just a woman who would give myself a bad name if I seemed to be close to them. I have to be careful because people have already made comments about my cousins and I being too close, I have to be careful or they will keep us apart for the sake of my reputation. "We're protecting you," they say. "You don't know how males are," they say.
When I'm in India, and I want to go out, I don't bother asking because I am not allowed. I sit in my room alone. I accompany my mother where ever she wants me to go and listen to the endless chatter about things that don't interest me even though I am female and therefore, should be interested in- things like cooking and gardening and knitting and embroidery. I listen as people tell me that I will be married in a year or two, that I should learn how to cook, how to be obedient, how to clean, how to look after children so that I can be a good, dutiful wife. I am surrounded by people who want me to be something that I cannot conform to, because I have had a taste of a better world for women.
When I'm at Sewanee, I don't fear the words of others, or for my reputation. I am free to go where I want, to have male friends, to wear pretty dresses if I wanted. I am free to have a boyfriend or to be single, free to fuck someone if I (and they) wanted, free to drink, free to have differing beliefs, free to not marry, not want children, free to experience this world, free to be myself. When I am at Sewanee no one can make me cower with a snide comment, no one can force me to act different if I don't want to. When I am at Sewanee, no one can make me change the clothes that I wear, the people I want to be with or the person I am, permanently or temporarily. And for that, I am thankful. I am thankful that I found Sewanee, where I learned to be my own person. Not everyone can be thankful for something like that, especially not someone from India, where women are thankful that they haven't been raped by a relative even though they dress modestly or grateful that they were given to good husbands who provide for them- because otherwise they wouldn't be able to support themselves in a world they were kept ignorant about.
Why do I miss being at college you ask? You now have your answer.
I started writing this article to talk about why I miss being at college so much- even though Lord knows we have lots of drama to tire us out at Sewanee. I definitely don't miss that drama or the all-nighters to complete stacks of homework on time.
I guess you could say that more than I miss Sewanee, I miss myself
*A Salwar Kameez is a traditional outfit originating in South Asia. It's a generic term used to describe different styles of of dress. Salwar Kameez can be worn by both men and women, but styles differ by gender. The Salwar (pantaloons/drawers) and the Kameez (body shirt) are two garments combined to form Salwar Kameez.
