I am not an expert on Christian romance, so I won’t pretend to be. I’ve only lived for 19 years, and I hope that time will continue to alter and refine my understanding of the interplay between faith and romance. That being said, from my own limited experience, from conversations with friends and family and from observations of books and reality, I have learned a bit about what godly relationships are.

Taking into account my limited understanding, I hope that my thoughts encourage believers and challenge the assumptions and myths surrounding Christian dating. Time and contemplation have led me to believe that Christian relationships are defined not by a set of rules but by faith and freedom. Here are three ideas that characterize this view of romance:

No two couples’ stories will look the same.

During high school, my mom and I read "Passion and Purity" together. It's a rather well-known and acclaimed book in evangelical circles, and it focuses on bringing your love life under Christ's control. After I read “Passion and Purity,” however, I wasn’t encouraged. I respect Elisabeth Elliot and Jim Elliot — they had a devotion to Christ worthy of emulation. I agree with the values in “Passion and Purity;” Christians SHOULD honor and seek Christ first in romantic relationships.

But I did not want my story to look like Elizabeth’s and Jim’s; I did not want to pattern my romantic relationships after theirs. I felt burdened by the impossible standard their story set, a standard that made it a sin to rest your head in another person's lap. A standard where the girl must wait for years for the man to decide whether it is God’s will for him to marry. I cannot believe that God intended romance to be so filled with fear and pain and passivity.

Courting for five years may have worked for Elisabeth and Jim, and for those who desire this kind of relationship, there are certainly blessings to be found. But we can’t expect everyone to model the Elliots. Few of the married Christian couples I know courted. Some of my friends and acquaintances have dated long-distance; some have married their middle school sweethearts; some have started dating in high school; some have courted; some have kissed right away; some have waited; some have had relationships full of joy; some have experienced years of painful waiting. All of them love and honor God, but none of their relationships look the same.

Here’s the point: you may meet your future spouse at Safeway or at school or overseas. You may know right away that you want to marry them, or it may take you seven years to make up your mind. But your Christianity is not dependent on following a formula for romance. Have faith to both honor God in your decisions and trust that He works within all circumstances, and you will find freedom.

Love is a choice.

Christian culture often unwittingly affirms a "Nicholas Sparks" definition of romantic love. Sparks' books and movies tell stories of men and women searching for their "soul mates," the one person whom the universe has destined for them to love, and some Christians have adopted the same ideal for romance:

Since God’s omnipotence rules every aspect of my life, obviously his divine will has chosen one person for me to marry. I simply have to wait until I find that person — I’ll fall in love and through prayer “know” that he or she is “the one.” No need to go on dates. Obviously, the first person I “fall in love” with is the person I should marry.

Unfortunately, for most of us, romance and marriage don't land in our laps in such a pretty little package. I don’t know where the expression “falling in love” came from, but I hate it. It implies that love is something out of our control, that it just “happens” to us like a bolt of lightning from a clear, blue sky. Attraction, infatuation, passion even may occur this way, but love? The love that you want to build a marriage on, the love that is supposed to be a foundation for a family and future? You want THAT love to be like winning the lottery?

First and foremost, two people in a relationship should love each other as God commands us to love every human — with selfless, sacrificial love. And that love demands a very intentional choice. In a marriage, or even while dating, feelings may come and go. You may not have that delight in the other every hour of every day, and it is in those moments that love proves itself, that you continue to choose the person, regardless of their flaws.

Love is about more than feeling "good"; it's about trust and commitment and seeking a common goal. And dating is determining if you want to make that choice to trust and commit to and walk alongside that person for the rest of your life.

There is supposed to be risk involved.

I think much of the Christian courtship fad stems from fear. It is a response to the secular world of dating where sex and heartbreak lurk at every turn. It is an effort to "guard" the hearts of young people, to preserve their purity, and to protect them from any pain. And it doesn’t work. The problem is, purity aligns itself to neither dating nor courtship; it begins in the heart, not in a certain method. Guarding one's heart from sinful desires pertains to all matters of life, not just romantic relationships. And most importantly, pain is supposed to accompany any kind of relationship.

If Jesus is the ideal of what it means to love, then love and relationship necessitate suffering. C. S. Lewis said, "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal ... Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

Entering a romantic relationship is very vulnerable. Our fears are right; there is risk involved. At one point or another, even if you marry the first person you date, you will be hurt. Your heart will break. And that's the way it's supposed to be.

Christians, of all people, should know not to attempt to escape suffering and hardship. I'm not saying that you should stay in an abusive relationship or marry someone whom you hate being around; rather, you should not let fear rule your decisions. Acknowledge the risk, but do not try to eliminate it. Be wise and discerning in all things. Pray, ask for advice, and be honest with yourself and others.

But as the church, as the culture which is to be defined by our relationship to Christ, let us not allow fear to control how we go about romance.