The term “tease” is often used by men to describe women who they feel tricked them into thinking they would have sex with them but then did not. In reality, the women who are on the receiving end of this name calling are just women whose flirting was misinterpreted or women who changed their minds.
The fact that men think that this word can accurately describe women presents a multitude of problems. A few of the most pressing issues of using the word are that it blames women for men’s mistaken perception of flirting, promotes rape culture, and shames women for changing their minds about having sex.
Often times women, who, with so much distaste and anger from men, are labeled as teases for never explicitly agreeing to engage in a sexual relationship with the men they are talking to. If a man thinks a woman, who is not interested in having sex with him, wants to have sex with him, then that is a misunderstanding on his end. To call this woman a tease is to blame her for a man’s assumption that he is entitled to have sex with any woman who shows even the slightest interest in him. The continued allowance of this term as an acceptable way to describe women sends the message that women cannot engage in any type of flirtatious encounter without forfeiting their right to say no to sex. Either sleep with every man you flirt with or do not flirt at all - these are the only two option we are giving women when we allow them to be described as teases.
What is even more troubling about the fact that women who never explicitly consent to sex are called teases is the fact that this perpetuates rape culture. Women are not consenting to sex unless they consent to sex. It is simple. Neither flirting nor anything else can substitute for consent. By claiming that women have lead men to believe they would have sex with them by flirting is to say that flirting counts as a valid form of consent, which it does not. If a woman does not consent to having sex, then she is not leading you to believe that she would have sex with you, and therefore she is not a tease.
While the word is most often used to describe women who do not even mention sex, it is also used to depict women who may have previously agreed to a sexual interaction, but later changed their minds. In a lot of ways, this use of the word is far worse than the first. Women are allowed to change their minds. The woman you are speaking with is not your older sibling who promised that it would be your turn in the next Mario Kart game and then did not let you play; she is a human being. Human beings are allowed to change their minds and they are entitled to bodily autonomy. Women can say that they want to have sex and then decide otherwise. Perpetuating the use of the word “tease” does nothing except shame women for exercising their right to say no whenever they want.
It is not a woman’s fault if her flirting is perceived as an offer for sex and, more importantly, flirting is not an adequate form of consent. Even if a woman does initially consent to sex and then changes her mind, that is okay as well, but these are not the messages that we are sending when we use the word tease. In order to stop perpetuating victim-blaming and rape culture we must abandon the term altogether because, after all, there is no such thing as being a tease.
