Up until I was eleven, I was known as "the theater girl" at my school. Drama was my favorite class and a place where I could shine – somewhere where I felt like I was truly good at something. I would spend all year looking forward to the annual school musical. I loved every minute of it from the rehearsals to finally performing on stage. It was one of the things I loved most — so much so that my drama teacher made me her student assistant during my last year of elementary school so that I could help with the production of the musical.
Yet, whenever I tell my close friends today that I used to be a theater girl, they're shocked. While it was a huge part of my life ten years ago, I haven't been involved in any kind of theater production or class since I left elementary school. The same girl who would count down the days until the school musical and looked forward to every drama class could not be less involved in theater now.
Even today, I still wonder why such a big part of my life when I was younger faded away as I grew up, and why I never went back to doing what I loved so much. When I was eleven, something significant shifted within me: after moving from England to Brazil and starting a new school, I began to feel overwhelmed by all the changes I was going through.
A sense of insecurity began to form inside me, one that only pushed me further away from the confident performer I used to be. All of a sudden, drama class was no longer somewhere where I wanted to shine, but rather a place that terrified me. While I wanted to bring myself to audition for my new school's play, I couldn't bring myself to do it.
Though my interests and passions have changed since I was eleven, I still find it hard to believe that performing and theater used to be such a huge part of my life—almost as if I was another person entirely. While it feels so long ago, I sometimes long to be on stage again and feel a sting of remorse for abandoning something that I loved as much as I did. More than anything, what I miss the most is the total confidence I had while acting, and how I allowed myself to shine without fear of failure.
As different as we may be, I often find myself looking to my younger self as an inspiration — someone who was excited to do what she loved. I may still surprise my friends when I tell them I used to be in theater, but I know that deep down that same girl is inside of me. Who knows? Maybe one day I'll let her out on stage again.
