Truth time: I really hate social media. Everyone is so obsessed with it. We've seen a real decline in happiness since social media helped us learn that we're all idiots that can't tolerate each other's opinions. It has fueled the entitlement culture by making it seem like your "friends" really care about what you're doing when in reality they don't. It has become such an inescapable part of our lives like NSA surveillance, and social media basically makes it easier for people to stalk you. We gripe about how we don't have any privacy yet in reality, we don't allow ourselves to have any. Without further ado, here are the worst parts of each social media platform.
LinkedIn
It's Facebook for businesses—and utterly ridiculous. It's aimed to be more professional than Facebook, and it's where businesses find potential employees. What makes it so unbearable is that it has become an essential tool for college graduates to use and consistently keep updated so that by chance someone prowling the Internet will find your resume that lists that you wasted your time in college by going to the bars every night or wasting your days on Netflix. But hey, at least Uncle Bernie is paying for your college, right? (Too soon?)
Twitter
Despite being one of the main reasons I have no faith in humanity, the people on Twitter aren't even the worst part. I deleted my Twitter freshman year because of the advertisements that pay accounts like @CloydRivers [gag] to tweet out links to useless products that no one wants to buy. I get it, everyone has to make a buck somehow, but I'd rather see an original use of 140 characters than "Want to feel like an American? Then go to [website] and buy..." Also, screw @CloydRivers in general. Most of his incoherent tweets are about how Obama is ruining the country. Hey, dingus, Congress is just as at fault and you probably think John Boehner is a good politician solely because he says he's Republican. Give me a break.
Instagram
Two words: visual lies. Nothing on Instagram is as good as the filter makes it look. If you were really having all that fun you'd be caught up in the moment and wouldn't post a picture in the middle of your shenanigans.
Myspace
Does anyone use this anymore? Only child molesters and people putting out their crappy mixtapes that haven't heard of Soundcloud yet are still on there? Moving on...
VSCO
It's a hipster version of Instagram, but, like Twitter, you can only caption your pictures with 100-something characters. So in reality, it's more restrictive, but they do have more filters and more ways to edit the effects on your photo.
Facebook
The triple threat: status updates, pictures and messaging. Remember when only kids had Facebook and then all the parents got them to reconnect with everyone they hated in high school? Yeah, well that quickly festered into a whole new beast. I'll give Facebook some credit, it really decimated Myspace, but it evolved into a monstrosity. Now the more senior adults are using Facebook to send me Candy Crush or FarmVille invitations that I don't want (no, Mimi, I will not water your crops in my free time) and to complain about how our generation is ruining the world—even though the people my age have only voted in one or two presidential elections. Don't get all mad at me about the fact that "Dubya" was elected twice, I was in elementary school.
Tumblr
What? No. Shut up.
