These Holiday Desserts Are the Worst

The Worst Holiday Desserts, Ranked

These aren't getting you invited back to any cookie swap.

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Nothing puts us in the holiday spirit more than whipping up all varieties of Christmas cookies. The best homemade recipes are worth eating by the dozen until you begin to resemble Santa himself, but certain holiday treats are definitely inferior to the rest. What can I say? That's just how the cookie crumbles. Here I countdown the worst holiday treats, ever thankful that they only show up once a year.

Florentines

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Shout out to anyone who's actually had one of these bad boys. I read once where they were described as "chewy, luxurious biscuits," as if that doesn't say it all right there. The lacey edges and layer of chocolate on these thin cookies definitely make them look tasty, but when you first take a bite it's easy to fall out of love. The candied orange peel in them reminds me too much of fruitcake (which I'll get to) and while they're meant to be chewy, they usually end up too sticky to handle.

Candy Canes

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It's like eating a breath mint for 12 hours, except that it stabs your jaw awkwardly. Not worth the fight.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookies

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When it comes to cookie mix-ins we're all about chocolate chips, sprinkles and even the occasional nuts, but dried fruit need not apply. Plus, oatmeal cookies taste like breakfast, not dessert.

Pre-packaged Cookies

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Store-bought cookies are already a bit of a cop out already, so the least you could do is get some decent looking ones. The holiday-edition tubes of slice-and-bake cookies give you a choice between sad snowmen, droopy Christmas trees or very manic looking reindeer. Yikes.

Christmas Pudding

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Christmas pudding is so bad that it literally has to contain the promise of physical currency for anyone to want a slice.

Gingerbread Cookies

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A little family of cleverly decorated gingerbread men (and women) is definitely cute ... but not quite cute enough to eat. The weirdly spicy combination of ginger, nutmeg and cloves is an acquired taste best used to build gingerbread houses.

Ribbon Candy

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It looks so beautiful and is both tasteless and hazardous to your teeth. What a tease...

Snickers Salad

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A Snickers bar doesn't need apples, whipped cream, pudding, sour cream and/or mayonnaise to make it shine. In fact, anything added actually takes away from its delightful chocolate-caramel-peanut goodness. Also, hot take, Snickers and the word 'salad' should not be in the same sentence.

Werther’s Originals

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The caramel candy is an O.G. sweet, and it's always clutch to have a bag stored in your glove compartment. But it sucks to get them as a gift from your grandparents, especially when you can easily cop some from CVS literally any day of the year.

Geletain Molds

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I honestly shouldn't even have to write about this one. A jiggly wheel of aspic containing anything from canned pineapple to whole shrimp is enough to make anyone hurl. These recipes are best left in the past.

Fruit Cake

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Fruit Cake is like JV bread and JV cake all at once. It is bad no matter how you slice it. How can something that sounds so delicious taste like alcohol-heavy cough syrup in solid form? I'm hurt.

These desserts take the cake (haha) for the worst of all time in my book.

Hopefully your family subtracts these lack-luster desserts for the holiday!

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10 Ways To Be The Girl Every Guy Wants

A comprehensive do-it-yourself guide to being the girl every guy wants.
aussymac
aussymac
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1. Smile all the time.

Guys want to be with girls who are always happy. Men get severely uncomfortable when all the women around them are not Cheshire cat level elated all the fucking time. Why are you mad? Why do you look so pissed? Are you defective? Autopilot your brain to borderline creepy giddiness before men get the idea that you might actually be capable of a full range of human emotion.

2. Be smart.

Men want women to be smart, but never smarter than them. Don’t know or say anything too much about anything specifically – except sports.

3. Eat like a man, look like a lady.

How many burgers can you fit in your mouth at once? Better, even, how many hotdogs? Have the appetite of a grizzly bear, but eat like a cute tiny rabbit, or Kate Upton faking an orgasm. Oh, and never, ever get above a size 4.

4. Play video games.

No guy can resist a girl who loves to play video games (in her underwear). Fifa, 2K, Smash, Kart – know them all. If you can’t at least beat his worst friend at his favorite game, you’re not a keeper.

5. Love beer.

If you can’t throw ‘em back like one of the guys, you’re not wifey. Yeah, that Norwegian IPA no one's ever fucking heard of? You got it. Bud Light? Sure. Fat Tire? You love that shit. Feel free to let out that beer burp while you’re at it, but the burp you’d imagine a Japanese dwarf squirrel would let out after eating rainbows. Oh, and don’t forget, size 4.

6. Be a freak, but also a nun.

We all know that lyric (thank you, Ludacris, so much). Hit those yoga poses hard because he wants you to bust that shit out like you’ve done it before. But you haven’t … right? Have you?!

7. Keep him on his toes.

No man wants a woman who is predictable and boring. Challenge him. Keep him intrigued. Drop an F bomb every now and then. Learn a foreign language in your spare time so that you might give the illusion of being exotic in bed (Slavic languages sound super sexy). Induce yourself into an epileptic seizure. Whatever it takes to keep it interesting.

8. Have quirks.

Ah, quirks. The things that make people unique. The things that make people, people. You must have at least three of these but no more than five. Think relatable Stepford Wife.

9. Be hot.

This is potentially the most important, and luckily I don’t need to tell you how this works. Look at anything. Anywhere. That ever existed.

10. Never, ever get mad.

The worst thing you can do as a woman is challenge a man’s authority. Don’t talk back. Don’t think. Don’t have expectations. Sit. Roll over. Hold the bark.

---

And finally, in the spirit of strong conclusions and remarkably appropriate GIFs:

Cover Image Credit: Tumblr
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15 Thing Only Early 2000's Kids Will Understand

"Get connected for free, with education connection"

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This is it early 2000's babies, a compilation finally made for you. This list is loaded with things that will make you swoon with nostalgia.

1. Not being accepted by the late 90's kids.

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Contrary to what one may think, late 90's and early 00's kids had the same childhood, but whenever a 00's kid says they remember something on an "only 90's kids will understand" post they are ridiculed.

2. Fortune tellers.

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Every day in elementary school you would whip one of these bad boys out of your desk, and proceed to tell all of your classmates what lifestyle they were going to live and who they were going to marry.

3.Bunnicula

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You could never read this book past 8 o'clock at night out of fear that your beloved pet rabbit would come after you.

4. Silly bands.

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You vividly remember begging your parents to buy you $10 worth of cheap rubber bands that vaguely resembles the shape of an everyday object.

5. Parachutes.

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The joy and excitement that washed over you whenever you saw the gym teacher pull out the huge rainbow parachute. The adrenaline that pumped through your veins whenever your gym teacher tells you the pull the chute under you and sit to make a huge "fort".

6. Putty Erasers

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You always bought one whenever there was a school store.

7. iPod shuffle.

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The smallest, least technological iPpd apple has made, made you the coolest kid at the bus stop.

8. "Education Connection"

You knew EVERY wood to the "Education Connection" commercials. Every. Single.Word.

9. " The Naked Brothers Band"

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The "Naked Brothers Band" had a short run on Nickelodeon and wrote some absolute bangers including, "Crazy Car' and "I Don't Wanna Go To School"

10. Dance Dance Revolution

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This one video game caused so many sibling, friend, and parent rivalries. This is also where you learned all of your super sick dance moves.

11. Tamagotchi

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Going to school with fear of your Tamagotchi dying while you were away was your biggest worry.

12. Gym Scooters

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You, or somebody you know most likely broke or jammed their finger on one of these bad boys, but it was worth it.

13. Scholastic book fairs

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Begging your parents for money to buy a new book, and then actually spending it on pens, pencils, erasers, and posters.

14.Go-Gurt

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Who knew that putting yogurt in a plastic tube made it taste so much better?

15. Slap Bracelets

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Your school probably banned these for being "too dangerous".

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