The Worst Gifts To Get Your Friends This Holiday Season

The Worst Gifts To Get Your Friends This Holiday Season

'Tis the season to meme the ones you love.
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Last year, I compiled a list of all the gifts you could get the ones you love for a variety of budgets. This year, I thought I’d change speeds and offer up my collection of the worst gifts you could get anyone. 2017 hasn’t been a good year for anyone, so why should your holiday gifts reflect anything different? Here are the absolute worst gifts you can those in your life to remind them that we’re all 1/8,000,000,000 pieces of flesh existing on a spinning rock for, like, maybe seventy years before we don’t anymore. Happy holidays!

For the friend that never gets your Vine references

milk and vine, amazon.com

Education is a gift in of itself, and if you were in your friend's shoes, would you want to be stumbling blindly through life, wondering why no one will explain what Vine references everyone but them is laughing at. Help them. Show them the way.

For the friend that deserves a rude awakening every morning

Pretty Swe*ry Mug, society6.com

Some friends wake up on the wrong side of the bed every day. I know, because I am that friend. Give them a subtle reminder not to interact with the world until they've finished whatever's in that cup. Unless they're not a coffee drinker, in which case: drop them because they're crazy.

For the friend that is so far behind on the times

Friends: The Complete Series Box Set, amazon.com

Yes, it is on Amazon and yes, it is $65. But the fact that you're buying this for them really makes a statement. Besides, if they don't watch the seminal show, Friends, airing on NBC from 1994 to 2004, starring six friends living in New York City making their way through the ups and downs that come with being in your twenties and thirties, how will you be able to tell which Friend you are? (P.S. I'm a Monica.)

For the friend who you’ve been meaning to tell that you’re not really friends anymore

A Good Meme, priceless

I'm not even going to make a joke because this was just mean.

For the friend that peaked in high school

One Direction Four, amazon.com

This CD will take them back to a time when they were actually relevant. Four will take everyone back to better days, when One Direction was still together and everything was right in the world. Guys, I'm about to buy Four for myself.

For the friend actually had a good year

A lump of coal, worthless

Listen, I hate to be "That Girl" but I'm just come right out and say it: screw this friend. Name one good thing besides Fiona the Hippo, females kicking literal ass in the cinematic box office this year, and the possibility of Vine 2.0 that happened this year. Your friend deserves trash like the rest of us, and it's on you to give that gift to them.

Bah humbug and happy new year!

Cover Image Credit: Michael Bergmann

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13 Summer Struggles Only Thick Girls Understand

Chafing. So much chafing.

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Summer is a lovely time. A time of cookouts, swimming, and sunny weather. But if you're a " thick girl," summer sometimes brings more unpleasantries than it does for slimmer women. No matter how beautiful and confident you are in your body, it can bring some struggles.

1. The living hell that is shorts-shopping

Step 1: Find the biggest size the store has.

Step 2: (If you can even get those on): Realize your stomach is being squeezed into the top, your butt is falling out of the back and your thighs are having the life squished out of them.

Step 3: Realize why winter isn't so bad.

2. And dealing with them even after finding a pair that "fits"

Nothing like taking a pair of shorts home you remember fitting you okay in the store and then walking for 45 seconds and pulling them out of your butt or crotch 17 times. Truly a magical experience.

3. And every bathing suit you try on shows more skin than you'd planned

Even the most conservative bathing suit turns into cleavage-city and a non-cheeky set of bottoms turns into a thong. I promise, older people glaring at me in my sexual bathing suit, I didn't mean for this to happen!

4. Chafing. So much chafing.

No better feeling than four minutes into wearing short shorts realizing that your inner thighs are literally tearing themselves apart. Body Glide and baby powder are a thick girl's No. 1 necessity.

5. Loving rompers. Rompers not loving you.

Rompers are made with short and skinny girls in mind. Heaven forbid you're not short, and heaven forbid you're not skinny. Rompers are like a mystical article of clothing that, no matter what, always just barely doesn't fit.

6. Imagining wearing a sundress with a strapless bra and just laughing

Of course, not all thick girls are well-endowed in the boob department, but if you are, you understand how hilarious the thought of you wearing a strapless bra truly is.

7. And bralettes are a thing of fantasy

Once again, bralettes are designed for a very specific body type. One that I do not fall into.

8. Feeling like you need to constantly defend yourself for dressing like you want to

There are so many posts and tweets and just general ideals that people have that certain sized women can't wear certain clothing. You shouldn't feel the need to defend yourself for wearing a cute crop top or a bikini, but you will.

9. And always feeling looked at when you're rocking your swimsuit

Yes, I see your judging eyes, and yes, they are making me feel like shit. It doesn't matter how confident you are in your body, people looking at you like you just killed somebody just because you're wearing something typically made for smaller women doesn't make you feel good.

10. Did I mention chafing?

I just felt like something so horrible couldn't just be mentioned once.

11. Online shopping for cute summer outfits and then none of them fitting you correctly

There's always the dreaded "one-size-fits-all" for plus-size women. As if there's just one way to be plus-size. No matter how much they promise online that it'll fit well, it won't.

12. Seeing tiny girls complaining about losing their "summer bodies"

So many tweets talking about choosing food over a summer body. So many profile pictures of traditionally skinny women. I'm not saying that thick girls are the only ones who can complain about their summer bodies, and thick girls do not have a monopoly one not feeling confident in their bodies. But it is hard to see those posts knowing that those women would be glorified in their swimwear while you'd be gawked at.

13. The "you go girl!" comments on your oh-so-brave bikini photos

Compliments are nice, and positive comments while wearing a bikini go a long way. But the dreaded "you go girl" comment just seems so condescending. Just treat me like anyone else you'd see wearing a bikini. I promise, I'd like to feel like that.

Cover Image Credit: Sara Petty

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Christmas Of Remembrance Series: My Last Letter

Christmas time is not about the gifts... It is about something far, far more special.

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Dear Reader,

Thank you for your time.

This is a series that I have dedicated to those I have loved and lost. It was merely a thought, then an idea, and now a realized creation. Christmas time… all winter really is a hard time for me. It holds this duality in my life of being both my favorite and also my least favorite and difficult time of year. It has been that way for years now.

In a way, this series aids my closure and healing further, and it allows me to tell my story in a way that, to me, is less scary (one of the many great facets of this platform). It was never my intention to write this in order to reach people, or encourage people, or serve as an inspiration to anyone. This was for me and only me. No one else. But, if these pieces of writing do impact someone, somewhere, or make them feel encouraged or inspired in some way or another, or just simply make them feel, then I hope you have enjoyed them. If I can make someone feel, then I guess I have done my job.

The life of an artist is often an uncertain one. The life of a human is a trying one. But life is a journey, and all journeys have their trials. Their tests. Their triumphs and rewards. And they all have their losses. What matters most is what you make of all of it. What lessons you learn. What changes you make. What life you create for yourself. What art you create because of it all. It can be very, very hard. But it can all be glorious at the same time.

At the heart of this series, my words, there is this deep and valuable belief of mine: Christmas (or the Winter Holiday that you may celebrate) is so much more about presents and cooking and shopping and all that other bullshit… it is about family.

The family that is related by blood. The family that surrounds your heart. Your Mom. Your brother. Your dearest friends. The bonds that make life valuable. Worth living. These bonds are soulful bonds, ones that are far more special than any mere trivial object. So… be with them. Forgive. Forget. Heal. Mend what is broken. Reassemble what has been shattered. And stop worrying so much. Laugh together. Cry together. Heal on another. Heal together. And may your new days be better, brighter, and full of love.

Happy Holidays.

Ty


A song for you...

"Sense of Home" — Harrison Storm / YouTube

If you liked this series, I invite you to check out my previous article below…

To My Fellow 孤, The Sons Without Fathers On Father’s Day

As well as this article by a fellow creator…

What You Learn Losing A Parent So Young

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