The What Ifs

Have you ever replayed one moment over and over again in your mind? Do you wish that you could go back and fix your mistake, making it an instance of joy instead of regret? Is there a day that you will always long to return to, knowing this time you wouldn’t make the same error?

Every time you go back you make sure to say what you felt, you make sure to do what you wanted. All so you can have a brief second where you believe that what you are dreaming is reality. That you never made the mistake and you are finally at peace. However, when your eyes open you’re left with nothing but regret and the knowledge that all this could have been prevented. You’re left stranded knowing that if you had made a better choice you no longer would be trapped. If only you had chosen the right word, the right action, the right mindset.

I have a moment of regret, and every so often it creeps back into my mind. It latches on allowing me once again to carry its weight. I could be having the most amazing day, one where problems do not seem to exist. Then like a wave crashing against a rocky shore, it hits. Suddenly I am paralyzed by that one instance, the one that I know I could have mended. If only I knew it would remain broken, unable to ever be repaired.

Anything can take me back to the moment; a certain scent, a certain sound, the worst is three words that my mind can never release. The regret I carry is what causes the resentment for the moment. If I did not believe it was a mistake, then the moment would hold no power over me. Instead I am left holding out my hands hoping that magically all the answers will fall into them, no longer leaving me yearning to go back. I am left with unanswered possibilities and that is what creates the knots in my stomach. I am left with what ifs and that is what creates the pain in my chest.

My eyes shut; I am back in that hallway and instead of choking on my words they slip out with ease. Every single time I say what I should have and all the what ifs disappear. They fade away for I have finally said the three words that are the key to my shackles. No longer does it matter what the result may be, all that counts is that there is no burden of regret hanging over my head. I am finally liberated from myself. There isn’t a single time when I alter the words that I wish I had uttered.

When I open my eyes there is a fleeting second where I believe that I said those three simple words and there are no regrets to bare. Then comes the realization that they have only multiplied over time. Opening my eyes from the dream, where everything goes as it should have, is the most gut-wrenching experiences. I understand there was no reason to run, but unfortunately I did until I no longer had a chance. So to some it may be just a dream but it is my dream, causing it to hold all the power over me because I never want to wake up from it.