"Identity"

"Identity? That's the title you're going to go with? For your first published article nonetheless?"

"What? This step towards my writing career establishes my first known identity as an author!"

"And you're going to use a one-word noun to get your point across?"

I shifted in my seat nervously as I gazed away from my inner-monologue, "...that was the plan."

My inner-monologue then proceeded to give me the most incredulous stare and dripped sarcasm from its known for profanity mouth, "Wow, so deep. I applaud you, truly."

"Fine, you're right," I sighed. "It is lame, I'll try to think of something else."

My inner-monologue and I then sat and stared at the computer only to remain stuck in the tangled sheets of our mind. We listened to the rain outside and the slow, stirring of our synchronized breathing searching for answers.

"Do you even know what you're going to write?" my inner-monologue croaked anxiously.

"I know about the subject-"

"That wasn't the question."

My inner-monologue pressed the question again with weighted emphasis on each word, "What form of writing are you going to write?"

I sat in more silence, soaking it up, wishing it could speak for me, and give a response to me even if it wasn't true. Anything was better than an uncertain reality.

I eventually gave in to my lack of self-confidence with a sharp close of my laptop.

I went into the communal shower area of my dorm hall and filled my mind with all running hopes and abandons that an artist might have, only to let them spill out onto the blank, white walls surrounding me.

Lately, I've been thinking quite often about how I would present myself as a writer because I've started college here at Hamline University in pursuit of a Creative Writing major. This problem is more prevalent now that I am hired by a forum where I actually publish my work. I wasn't sure what to create for my first post (*Nervous laughter*, speaking of meta moments, hi there!), heck, I don't even know for sure what I'm going to write in the long run. I always tell people that I'm interested in writing fantasy or science fiction, but the ultimate truth is that I have zero experience of doing so. The set up of a decent novel with a clear exposition and an exciting--yet believable and consistent--plot is overwhelming. I have watched way too many videos on YouTube by critics and now dwell on how easy it is for someone to screw up a story.

Then there's poetry, which I do quite often now, and I personally think that I'm pretty good at it. Although I don't feel myself to be a 100% poet-kind-of-person, I like poetry. I guess being a poet would be cool, but I'm not sure if that's going to be my end game in life or my main career by any chance.

Then there's the creative nonfiction side of me. The side that thinks their life is totally anecdotal, hilarious, and quirky, that they're full of alternative and profound ideas that somehow haven't been discovered yet. She thinks she could definitely do a vlog. She also thinks she's John Green.

And oddly enough, through all these different kinds of writing or types of creativity that I want to present, I haven't even finalized the kind of tone I want to get across. Do I want to be thought-provoking and serious, or do I want to have pop-culture references and ironically bad sarcasm? Do I do both? Could I do both?

That's when I realized that I wasn't only finding my writing style, but I was also trying to find my lifestyle.

As someone who seems to be in love with everything that life has to offer, not to mention always doing way too many extracurriculars, I find my identity to be varying at times. I behaviorally act a certain way, but I also feel like I have many outlier factors that don't match up to my persona. My family sees me as a high-strung idealist, my friends see me as a quirky goof, strangers see me as an adorable awkward woman that's kind of shy, but when she begins to talk will go on for ages and say those ten minute goodbyes that are infectious among Minnesotans. I present myself as a Christian, but sometimes it comes off more internally than externally because I am so scared of possible confrontation. As I was growing up, I wanted to be the Scholar-Athlete-Musician-Artist-Socialite--I wanted to have multiple lives all at the same time, and to an extent I did, but I wanted to exist in them fully. I wanted to be this superhuman and experience everything at once so that in multiple worlds or maybe just one, I would have a solid identity. Gradually and still to this day though, I've learned that that's not possible.

I am complicated; people are complicated in general, but that's why stories exist and make up so much of our lives. They explain those complications of people through extraordinary or everyday situations. That's why I live for stories and storytelling; they explain ideas and concepts, life, and subconsciously themselves. Whenever an artist on any kind of platform makes something, their persona is reflected in an imaginary tale. There are separate books entirely going into detail about how C.S. Lewis's work mirrors many concepts of Christianity, which he commonly referred to in "The Chronicles of Narnia." The cartoon "Gravity Falls" had elements that were actually based off of the creator, Alex Hirsch's life, combined ingeniously with his love of mystery and science fiction based off the shows and movies that he grew up watching: for example, the hit, 90s show, "Twin Peaks." The list could go on for an eternity about this kind of stuff, and it shows the passion that drives creativity. It is a way for your stories to be told, as well as yourself, which I for one think is amazing. I guess not having a particular writing style yet is just me figuring out who I am as I enter adulthood and still feel like I'm growing up.

In the meantime though, I'm always open to going anywhere my mind takes me because no matter what kind of work I'm doing, or seeing, I get excited and enjoy seeing what the end product is. At one point, when I had to write an actor's bio for a school musical that I was in my senior year, I didn't say that I was an author. I said that after I graduated, I wanted to study Creative Writing in order to be a storyteller. Now, when I say that, you're probably thinking either I'm just a vague hippie that really doesn't know what they're doing or that I'm going to try to make off a living by reading to little kids all my life. Neither are the case: what I mean by the occupation "storyteller" is that I want for sure want to create stories, I just don't know where yet. I could be an author, a poet, a screenwriter, a playwright; it doesn't matter to me. All I really care about is letting my words reach out and touch others. The vessel of my stories doesn't matter, what matters to me is the soul of the stories, which represents me. Also like stories, the most important part of a person isn't their outward appearance, it is their soul.

So I guess what I found out, and what I'll still be figuring out my whole life, is that it doesn't matter what I write, or who I am, or even if it's consistent. I'm happy as long as it represents the stories I want to tell and the story of my life that I subconsciously tell with them.

I finish the final keystroke and slowly roll back against the newly-bought Target throw pillows on my bed. I sweep a confident, sideways glance at it as I turn up a proud half-smile.

"So, what do you think?"

My inner-monologue leans in closer, taking occupation of the hunched, typing pose that I was just in.

"It's not half-bad. It's actually kind of cool and original."

"What did I tell you?"

"The name still sucks."

I see the reflection in her eyes as they start to calm and warm up to the reassurance of our personal, little victory. They're no longer paranoid about the judgment of others: cold and pessimistic.

"Well..." I continue, "I consider myself to be a person of many names, that'll just be something I have to work on."

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Side note: I don't openly talk in a monologue and address them by "Inner-Monologue" out loud....okay most of the time I don't. Also, while I'm here writing for this website, I'm think I'm going to start doing this thing that I've seen other online creators do where they leave links to songs that go with their stories, which I think is really cool. I like music; you probably like music, so let's make this story interaction all the more interesting.

The first song I'm posting with this piece of work is called "Hand of God" by Jon Bellion. Not only is his work amazing in general, but also his lyrics really hit you to the core. This particular song talks about his struggle with finding his way through life and trying to reflect himself in his identity, ultimately through God, as it goes for anyone else. It truly spoke to me as I was writing this piece and am going through these times of transition.