The Tragic Life of Connor Cornopolous Esq. III

By: Justice Seymour

Connor Cornopolous Esq. III was born in Candster, Oklahoma in 1868. His father, Conrad Cornopolous, started out as a very poor man and was a widower due to the passing of his wife Mae-Jahosaphine. Times were rough in Candster. Connor would often get beaten by his father over the frustration of being so poor. This only furthered a rebellious streak growing deep inside of Connor. Conrad should’ve taken out his anger on a cow or something, for little did he know, that in 1882, the Cornopolous name would become one of legend.

Candy corn (then called Chicken Feed by its creators) was booming in all of Candster. Connor’s father tasted this mystery sweet and said, “I can do better than this Chicken S—t!” Thus the madness began. Crazed scientific experiments were all Connor knew during this horrific time. Conrad would force his son to try countless amounts of what he called “Candy Corn.” Connor despised this because his father couldn’t make anything edible even if Shia LaBeouf was there to offer his legendary cooking advice.

On October 29, 1881, a craft of some sort landed in the perimeter of the Cornopolous family estate. Connor, terrified with terror, saw a strange orange creature, badly beaten, slither over and taste the terrible sludge his father had made. The creature made a face like a cat taking a poop, took one of the kitchen knives, and slit his wrist over the boiling pot of goop. The blood was orangey-yellow, just like the creature’s skin. It was then that Connor’s father came in and KO’d the creature. Not wasting a second, Conrad dipped his finger into the pot and tasted the newly orange-tinged goo. A look of glee overtook his face. “Jack pot!”

Needless to say, by 1882, Cornopolous turned from a good-for-nothing name into an all-powerful business empire. The Cornopolous family was worth BILLIONS (by today’s standards) and Candy Corn was introduced to the world.

Though rich and powerful, Connor still didn’t relate well with his father. Partly due to the fact that the “alien that laid the golden candy corn” was being kept in horrible conditions and farmed for its blood, but also because his father was kind of a jerk. He had always been an ass hat, but now he was a rich ass hat. Fortunately, none of this mattered, for by 1887, Connor met the love of his life, Frankie Madeline. He and Frankie were very much the 19^th century version of hippies. They would protest outside the Cornopolous Corporation on a weekly basis, and often snuck in and defiled batches upon batches of freshly cooked candy corn. They were inseparable. Inseparable that is…until that fateful day.

On October 28^th, one day before the 6-year anniversary of Cornopolous Inc., Connor lost Frankie. She had been doing some sort of sabotage mission in the factory. A mission that Connor knew nothing about. She had gone rogue. Apparently, she had tried (and succeeded) to set the creature free, hoping to end the unfair bond between candy and…erm…space. Even though the creature was glad to be free from his bondage, he was also quite pissed. He crushed Frankie’s skull with his bare hands. The creature went on a spree and rampaged all over the factory. Luckily, the police gunned it down before affecting any harm upon the general public.

When Connor got word, he was devastated. Even though several hundred employees had been murdered by an alien from space, and an indefinite hold had been put on production, Conrad had no intention of shutting down the business. Distraught by the death of his love and so many hard working people, Connor stormed the factory trying to burn the mother down. He eventually got what he wanted, but at a terrible price. Whilst sneaking in through the fire escape, he tripped and fell into a giant vat of candy corn goo. The syrupy goo was too heavy, and before he could swim up, he drowned. He was never seen or heard from again?????????