I recently discovered the Odyssey Rejects Twitter account, and the satirical commentary was so accurate my sides still hurt from laughing. While the irony here does not go unnoticed, I thought it’d be interesting to explore what these articles would look like. So, here are a few of the best rejected Odyssey article headlines, and what they would probably look like.

10.

“For anyone who has never done this before, understand this is the most uncomfortable thing you could ever experience. I was stunned. Shocked, even. I was so blown away by what I did that I forgot to get popcorn during the previews. Even to this day, I sometimes think about what happened that fateful night, and then feel nauseous. I pray that this never happens to anyone else ever again.”

9.

“When Becky told me that she was revoking my aux cord privileges, I initially contemplated grabbing my Unicorn Frappuccino and throwing myself out of her pink Jetta. Instead, I, a grown-up, realized that I should just give up the aux cord without any more drama, and gave it to Rachel, who started playing some weird rap by some guy named Kendrick Lamar. I don’t get it, and I don’t like his music. What’s wrong with "Closer"? Everybody loves that song! I guess I won’t get a chance to find out why Becky took the aux from me until our next ice cream social with Alpha Phi Kappa Delta Gamma-Gamma Epsilon.”

8.

“Why 🤔 are student athletes 🏀⚽️🏈 under attack 😡 when all we do 😤 is work hard 💪🏼 in order to excel 📈 doing something we love? 💯 Too many haters 👿 are talking 😂 about something they know nothing about. 😩 John 3:16 👏🏼 🙏🏼”

7.

“This is a listicle for all eight of you out there who are also from Big Pinewood! Here’s a relatable thing that we obviously have in common simply because our town is so small. Also, here’s some subtle racism.”

6.

“I’m beginning to understand that love is not all that complicated. Every fight can be solved with a little fist-bumping, some GTL, and some verbal abuse. Also, almost every problem you face can be absolved using an anonymous note. Furthermore, when your girlfriend says 'stahp,' you stahp.”

5.

“1. You currently have a heartbeat.

2. You are currently breathing.

3. You’ve eaten food within the past few days.

Haha! So relatable!”

4.

“When my stupid dad told me I couldn’t take the family yacht to Mexico for Spring Break, I was so mad, bro. Then he told me I have to get a 'job,' and he won’t fund my need for alcohol anymore. If I can’t afford Coors for my bros, I might as well be homeless. My dad is literally making me homeless.”

3.

Honestly, I don’t really have any comment. This article writes itself.

2.

“Going to college is single-handedly the dumbest thing anyone could ever do. Why go to college and get a degree when you can just work at a local fast food restaurant until your rap career takes off? Honestly, college girls aren’t even that attractive; high school girls are way hotter. Anyway, here’s a link to my Soundcloud that only has two songs on it.”

1.

“Jesus fasted for 40 days in the desert. In comparison, I’ve only had ramen noodles and microwavable macaroni for the past 40 days. My continuing inability to take care of myself is how I’m celebrating Lent this year. For example, to begin Lent, I am observing Ash Wednesday by putting out a lit cigarette on my forehead.”