I am a black woman, I will marry a black man and according to genetics and biology, my husband and I will produce black children and that scares the hell out of me. While I am terrified for any child born in the world today, I am most terrified for any child with brown skin born in the world today because the chances of them not making it past age 12 are too high.
I don't want to have to explain to my son's youngest sister that the color of her brother's skin is what got him killed by an officer while they were in the park and he was playing with a toy gun (rest in peace Tamir Rice).
I don't want to have to explain to my son that the color of his skin is why he can't wear his favorite hoodie and walk to the corner store late at night to grab his favorite snack and something cold to drink (rest in peace Trayvon Martin).
I don't want to have to explain to my 4 year old daughter why she had to witness her father being shot and killed in front of her. I don't want to tell her that although her father followed every rule given to him by the officer when we were pulled over, the color of his skin is what got him taken away from us so soon (rest in peace Philando Castile).
And how would I be able to tell my four kids that the face they're used to having them make their lunches, drop them off and pick them up from school would be a face that they couldn't see anymore? How would I be able to tell them that daddy did a bad thing, had to be sent to a bad place and while he was in that bad place, the color of his skin is what made guards pepper spray him, pin him down and deny him medical help the 19 times he cried out to them that he couldn't breathe? (rest in peace Michael Sabbie).
"No son, you can't sell untaxed cigarettes to make a little extra money, it's against the state law here In New York. Besides, if you got arrested for that, you would be placed in a chokehold and the 11 times you cry out for help won't be answered because of the color of your skin. Then how is mommy supposed to live after my baby boy is buried?" (rest in peace Eric Garner).
"My sweet girl, your mental illness is not what killed you. Your mental illness combined with the color of your skin is what threatened officers. They weren't threatened because you were unarmed sweetheart, but they were threatened because you were "a mentally unstable black woman" and for this reason, they had to slam your head into the pavement" (rest in peace Tanisha Anderson #SayHerName).
"Oh son, NEVER run from an officer. I know that the color of your skin will cause instinct inside of you to run from them so you're not killed for no apparent reason but that will be the last day I see you and I don't want that. You always carry that legal knife around for protection because anything can happen and although it's not illegal for you to run from an officer if not already placed under arrest, your run will get you arrested, your legal knife will be found and you'll be thrown into a carrying van. You want to know what the worst part for mommy will be? You'll ask for your inhaler, you'll beg for medical help and they'll make 3 or 4 extra stops before finally getting you medical attention and at that point, you're already gone from me" (rest in peace Freddie Gray).
Who's going to tell my children that while I called the police to report a burglary, they saw a knife in my hand and the easiest thing for them to do was to kill me and their unborn sibling? Who's going to explain to them that their mother is gone because a black pregnant woman carrying a knife after reporting a burglary shouldn't be tasered or restrained, but killed in cold blood? Who's going to let them know why they had to witness that? (rest in peace Charleena Lyles #SayHerName).
I can't explain any of this. I don't want to have any of these conversations. The worst part of the conversations will be exposing to them how cruel the world is that I decided to bring them in to when they find out that none of the officers who committed these horrible crimes are serving time behind bars.
To my future children, mommy is so sorry for the hard talks you'll have to start enduring at age 5. Mommy is so sorry for the possible injustices you'll have to face for the color of your skin. Most importantly, mommy is so sorry that the only way she can protect you from this horrible truth is only through educating you. Mommy loves you.
