Many of us have had to say goodbye to at least one person in our lives. Many don’t deserve a thank you, but sometimes you change because of them leaving. This person might be an ex, I hope many of them are, but sometimes this person can actually be related to you, which I truly hope only a few have this problem. I have struggled for years on a way to thank you without having to actually see you again. I had put all feelings behind me until I saw you the other day, so here is the “thank you” letter you do not deserve, but the thank you that I need to say.
For many years I wanted to know why. Why did you leave? Why wasn’t I good enough? Why did you pick the drugs and alcohol over your own flesh and blood? I spent years hating you. Hating who I was, as I was born with your DNA and your last name. I felt like that controlled me and defined me. Being a teenager was hard enough, I did not deserve to waste time and energy hating myself, so I just let it go. I stopped hating you and I started to believe you did not exist. Once I changed my name I felt like I had actually let you go. You lost all control of me, the control you did not deserve but I felt like you had. I went many years living that way; I had the belief that if I didn’t see you, you couldn’t be real. When I was finally forced to see you all the hatred came flooding back. All the questions I asked over a decade ago. All the feelings I had pushed away.
The hatred for you came back and I started to question myself. Why was I wasting time and energy hating someone who did not care about me? Why did I let this hatred consume me for so long? That’s when it came to me, I could simply forgive you. But why? What did you do to deserve my forgiveness? And I realized, I became who I am because of you. So thank you for making me the stronger person I am today. I decided I could be brave enough for the both of us and all the questions I had from the beginning I finally had answers for.
You left because you were weak, or strong enough and knew you were no good for me. I was good enough, I was half of your DNA and half of a women’s you loved. You picked the drug and alcohol because it was all you knew, because I feel like giving you the benefit of the doubt sometimes. I learned that you were weak and there was nothing I could do about that. I also learned so much, and I learned how strong you were. You let another man take your spot as my dad; you stepped aside and cared about my happiness in your own way.
So I thank you for being my person who changed me and morphed me into whom I am today. I honestly do not know where I would be without you today.
