A Definitive Ranking Of The 10 Worst Films Of The 21st Century
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A Definitive Ranking Of The 10 Worst Films Of The 21st Century

You heard my faves - now it's time to discuss my not so faves in blistering fashion!

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A Definitive Ranking Of The 10 Worst Films Of The 21st Century
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Aha! First I tackled the greener of pastures - twice - but oooh, now it be time to delve into the deader grass.

Right off the bat, I'm not criticizing anyone for liking this movies, I wanna make that clear. I love ya'll. I’m not writing this with a smirk, cackling at how clever I am. If I offend anyone who likes these movies, that was not my intention, as I am most certainly not the type of person who criticizes those who use the term "movie" instead of "film" and yes there are absolutely people like that! Seriously, art is subjective, and the day everything is of equal enjoyment and quality is the day art dies. So, to cast any pretension aside, the reviews shall be in a, je nais se quo, more multicolored format. Post-modern, or what have you.

Simply put, these movies didn't work for me. That's it. Most of them are also just plain problematic. Like, not at all. Absolutely did not work. Didn’t even do an internship. Hehe didja like that pun anyway here we go! Uh, spoiler alerts, I think.


10. Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015)

Studio Executive: Hey, you hear of this Avengers thing?

Me: Aw, yeah! What a blast, I'll tell ya. Perfect comic book film, just loads of fun, and really was the culmination of all of the Marvel Cinematic Universe's strengths.

Studio Exec: Well, we were thinking for the sequel...what if instead of following the MCU's strengths, we instead capitalize on their weaknesses?

Me: That...doesn't sound logical at all!

Studio Exec: Aw, yeah! Low stakes! No change to the status quo except the death of a side character we just met! Quipping in the middle of the battle to get rid of any tension! And more quips on top of that! Meandering structure, hopping from set piece to set piece like I hop from the club on Friday nights! Little to no themes or anything else to make this material lasting or valuable! I can't wait for more MCU movies to be like this.

Me: But why? None of that is what the fans OR critics love.

Studio Exec: I thought you liked taking risks in art?

Me: Shit, this is gonna be a mess. Is there some depth, at least?

Studio Exec: Jeez, you're so hard to please. How about like, three scenes of characterization, tops? And a fun old sequitur where the heroes try lifting Thor's hammer?

Me: Heh, that last one's actually pretty great.


9. Bone in the Throat (2015)

I'll be honest, unless you were at the South by Southwest 2015 Film Festival, I don't think you saw this movie. I don't think you ever will, because it doesn't seem the film ever acquired a distribution deal. Well, since it deals with food, here's a recipe for ya (oh sweet baby Jesus, I am on fire):

-Take one Ed Westwick, whose acting I first thought was wonderfully understated, but then realized he's just...well, not good.
-Try to painfully replicate Joe Pesci in Goodfellas and instead create a horribly grating side character who the film is utterly convinced is endearing but really just someone you want to watch die. In fact, I hated this prick so much that I felt nothing when he eventually died.
-Waste one Tom Wilkinson, which, yeah, sucks. Tom Wilkinson is great.
-Take one Anthony Bourdain from his true entertainment element (Parts Unknown is such a good goddamned show) and let him write a crime drama that comes off more as self-indulgence than anything.
-Throw in Arctic Monkeys sounding (as well as the AM themselves) music because it's cool, right, yeah? That's what the youth listen to? That DUH-NUH-NUH-NUH guitar line is hella cool, right?
-Put in a meandering plot on top, which never really builds to anything.

Anthony, please stick to Parts Unknown. That show is amazing. A minute from that show far eclipses anything on display here.


8. Pearl Harbor

Studio Exec: Hey, you hear of this Pearl Harbor thing?

Me: Of course. One of the worst domestic attacks in US history, thrust us into World War II. What about it?

Studio Exec: How about - you ready for this mind blowing shit - Pearl Harbor BUT with a love triangle! The Imperial Army didn't attack us, they attacked love!

Me:...what?

Studio Exec: There's also this kid in it, actor boy named Josh Hartnett who has a really interesting foreign dialect!

Me: That's not a dialect, that's just an utter inability to read lines or emote like a normal human! Is he one of the leads?

Studio Exec: You bet yer ass! And wait until you get a load of this script.

Me: "“You’re so beautiful it hurts.” “It’s your nose that hurts.” “I think it’s my heart.” Chad, what the hell is any of this? This is like the Jenga of bad movie ingredients.

Studio Exec: Yeah, if Jenga waved the flag proudly like a true patriot! AMERICA!

Me: And why not make Cuba Gooding Jr's character a lead? He was a genuinely real person!

Studio Exec: Please! Our director's already had a franchise with two African American leads. This is Hollywood, that's our cap out on diversity!

Me: Oh no...you're letting Michael Bay direct?

Studio Exec: HOORAH

Me: But - but it'll be overlong! Overstuffed! The main heroes will be too-cool-for-school but really inept and insufferable and will make many an audience wonder why they're the protagonists! You'll have one good scene with the titular attack and that's it!

Studio Exec: Pretty rad scene, am I right?

Me: Well, yeah, but that doesn't excuse the rest of the film. It's blatant propaganda, and horribly written, horribly acted propaganda at that. I'm not exaggerating, this film just might be one of the cheesiest things ever written! It's -

Studio Exec: I'm sorry, are you still talking? I'm imbibed with too much freedom to care at this point, to be honest.


7. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Studio Exec: Hey, you -

Me: Chad, I already know where this is headed. I see Michael Bay sitting in the corner. Worse, though, it's not Serious Bay (see above), it's Fun Bay. And I'll be brief. This is a series that thrives on horribly offensive stereotypes, hypersexual, objectifying depictions of females, cringeworthy humor, and dials everyone's acting up to 11. This installment in particular is a melting pot of those components at their worst, loudest, and messiest. The CGI is a mishmash, not a single character is worth liking, Shia LaBeouf isn't even at his entertainingly batshit personality he'll acquire later in life, and to top it all off, there's nothing even remotely unique to keep attention. They're manifestations of 21st century excess and attention spans, packaged out in some male power fantasy where the lovable loser, "cool guy" reigns supreme. Bay doesn't respect his audience, he downright assumes they're brainless and talks right down to them like some twisted Pink Floyd brainwasher.This film in particular is perhaps the ultimate nadir of Fun Bay's worst instincts. And when you're a pretty influential, powerful director in Hollywood, it's a moral responsibility to at least make your films morally proper.

And by the way, it repeats the same goddamned storyline for every movie. Letting him do another one is just irresponsible. It's like giving your kid a tank and blindfolding them while they drive it in a parking garage. At least Serious Bay is forced to put on his big boy pants and void most of his pratfalls here.

Studio Exec: Then tell me, Mr. Guy, how did it make $800 million dollars worldwide?

Me: I'm still trying to figure that out.


6. Crash (2005)

Studio Exec: Hey, you hear of this racism thing?

Me: (puts fist in mouth) Enlighten me, Chad.

Studio Exec: It's bad.

Me:...and?

Studio Exec: No, like, this stuff is bad.

Me: Yes, systemically. Unconsciously. Socially. It's a messy, intricate veil of evil.

Studio Exec: But, no, no...it's bad. Like, it's not nice. Do you hear me?

Me: Is this the foundation of an entire movie?

Studio Exec: Ah, you would think you have me pegged, don't you? Please. We got a subplot about this invisible cloak that protects a little girl from a bullet shot by a raging Arabic character (no problem there), we got characters of color who exist solely to serve the white characters' journeys of discovering racism is BAD, hell, we even got Ludacris!

Me: Not gonna lie, not a single bit of that sounds promising. How do you plan on exploring racism? Is that at least well done?

Studio Exec: Absolutely! Characters talk about it! A lot! Literally in every scene.

Me: Oh my God, that's actually an accurate assessment.

Studio Exec: Tell, don't show, baby, all the way to the bank!

Me: Speaking of lines, I also noticed that the Asian characters don't get lines...or arcs...in a movie about racism.

Studio Exec: Kid, come ON, what do you want from me? Do I look like Martin Luther Gandhi to you?

Me:...this is gonna win Best Picture, isn't it? Over Brokeback Mountain?


5. 300 (2007)

Studio Exec: Hey, you hear of these Spartan fellows? They love freedom, how great is that?

Me: You mean the civilization that glorified war, had legal slaves, and practiced pederasty?

Studio Exec: Yep!

Me: You're not gonna make them the heroes of a movie, are you?

Studio Exec: The adaptation of a dope comic book! This is Sparta? Dank meme. I used to laugh at it while I played Guitar Hero II.

Me: They murder infants with disabilities! Like, all of them, in the opening scene alone! The traitor to the army is a disabled guy! Jesus, actually, I never realized just how much this movie hates disabled people.

Studio Exec: Not our fault you guys weren't born badasses. It's cool and edgy!

Me: No, it's a Frank Miller property! That guy's work is filled to the brim with over masculine displays of hyper violence which don't say a damn thing, xenophobia up the wazoo, and women as playthings! He's the type of guy that sits at the back of a bar and whines about political correctness from under his PBR soaked beard! Which, surprise, surprise, this film's got FM written all over it more than a transistor radio! This one in particular is nothing but a reactionary wish fulfillment that's gonna age horribly as a masochistic critique on the War on Terror.

Studio Exec:...I'm thinking maybe halfway through, we have a troll thing, you know, with blades for hands, workin' for the bad guys!

Me: Wow.

Studio Exec: And how about some slo-mo, then? Real film craft, eh?

Me: Not quite. It's childish and it's the stuff that the 14 year olds playing Call of Duty - who snipe you and insult your mother - eat up.

Studio Exec: I never get sniped in COD. So hah!


4. The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012)

Studio Exec: Hey, you hear of these hipster folk?

Me: Unfortunately, yeah.

Studio Exec: This is a whole book about 'em!

Me: Yeah, and it's a pretty solid book, but you know, you've seem to cut out the complexities and other fascinating structural bits of the book.

Studio Exec: Kid, do I look like Vincent Van Picasso?

Me: No, but man, this script alone gives me a bad bubbling sensation around my chest cavities, almost like a troublesome bout of heartburn or indigestion, whichever. It's so condescending to anyone who isn't part of its target demographic while not really having much substance or actual depth to back up that perceived smartness beyond some barely touched upon themes. It's almost like: if you don't smoke weed, watch Rocky Horror, listen to vinyl, turn truck driving into a pretentious art form, or get below average grades, then the perks just aren't for you! Sprinkle on that with a forced plot line of childhood trauma that honestly just feels like it's there for the sake of drama, and some lines like "I swear we are infinite"? Was this plucked from a college freshman's mad ramblings from the first time he tried weed?

Studio Exec: Sorry. My mind is too blown from that line.

Me: What's it even mean, contextually?

Studio Exec: Who cares?? These are very INTERESTING people.

Me: They're caricatures! Literally, every character here is an archetype made just to spout off some weird and random bullshit. Manufactured to seem as outsider as possible, to appeal to that demographic THROUGH carefully plotted appeal. It's self defeating! This movie feels like it winks at you, pokes you in the chest, and then skips ahead giggling, all whilst listening to whatever's playing on Alternative radio.

Studio Exec: They are not plants!

Me: Ah, whatever. At least I get to see Emma Watson post-Harry Potter.

Emma: WelCUMB to the EYE-LAND of misFEET TOYZ


3. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (2011)

Studio Exec: Hey, you hear of this Oscar Bait?

Me: You mean movies made solely to appeal to awards groups by getting a historical backdrop, high profile actors, fake inspiration, and a ton of white mediocrity with a piano score or something?

Studio Exec: Uh, yeah!

Me: Alrighty, what wonderful backdrop do you plan to have this time to sweep awards? World War II? Civil War?

Studio Exec: Not relevant enough. Let's tackle 9/11.

Me: You're shitting me.

Studio Exec: There's this really tubular novel about it. Called Loud and Close or whatever. Talks about it. You read this thing? What a story, Mark.

Me: Why?? The story's nothing more than falsely sentimental capitalization of the event. Does it discuss the themes of vulnerability after being attacked in our homeland? The pain of the countless families? No, honestly, apart from a weird, weird connection to that famous photo of a man falling out. That's the thing. You could replace 9/11 with literally any other event that could make a child lose his father, and the story would be no different. To me, that's not only extremely smug and incredibly insulting (sorry, sorry), but deprives the film of any meaning about its subject matter. I guess it makes this boy's quest timeless, but even then, this was made only ten years after. Little insensitive. I absolutely wanted to believe this film is an intimate quest of healing for an innocent boy recovering from a tragic loss, and it almost convinced me of that, until Max Von Sydow's silent character was revealed to have a World War II backstory.

Studio Exec: But what about the kid? He's so likable and unique!

Me: Don't even get me started about that little bastard. Aren't we supposed to root for this kid? There's a way to write angry, confused children, and this film doesn't manage that. In fact, it drives right into reverse! He's just a condescending twat who's held as this paragon of knowledge!

Studio Exec: Look at his official blurb, though: 'a nine-year-old amateur inventor, Francophile, and pacifist'...oh.

Me: Yeah, that really doesn't do him any favors.

Studio Exec: Gotta say, I agree with you. This movie sucks. Why did we green light it?

Me: You have John Goodman, Violda Davis, and Max Von Sydow in the same film. To be fair, that's HARD to fuck up.


2. Alice in Wonderland (2010)

The worst part is, it's got a director who's fallen in love with themselves to a horribly obnoxious degree, reeling over his greatest hits to cover up for what's become a complete lack of any lasting directorial skill. And I mean, it's not even funny.

Studio Exec: You know, a lot of other movies reach this level of mediocrity, and where are THEY on your little list, hm?

Me: They don't tout themselves as a quirky celebration of quirkiness every five freaking minutes! Honestly, if the film wasn't so deadset on convincing me that it's cool and hip, I wouldn't mind so much. But it just makes it incredibly intolerable.

Studio Exec: You really hate movies that pretend to be something else, don't you?

Me: Just the ones that pretend to be smarter and cooler than their audiences when they're hollow as hell.

Studio Exec: Sure. Tell you what, to make it up to you, we're gonna cast Christopher Lee as the Jabberwocky!

Me: Well goddamn, that actually sounds awesome.

Studio Exec: Right? We're gonna give him two lines and then cut off his tongue!

Me: Oh, for FU-


1. The Blind Side (2009)

Studio Exec: So, you hear about this Michael Oher guy, defensive line for the Baltimore Ravens?

Me: Yeah, incredible story. Guy brought himself out of poverty with his sheer skill and determination, made it to the NFL!

Studio Exec: Epic! Good thing he had the help of a wise, God-fearing white woman played oh so lovably by Sandra Bullock!

Me: Whoa - no, no, please don't take this where I think you -

Studio Exec: Oh, yes. Her journey is one of equal importance. In fact, he couldn't have done it without her.

Me: Dear God, if I'm reading this script correctly, why did you make Michael a simpleton character? Are you racially blind, you idiot?

Studio Exec: Heck no I'm not! And luckily for this young boy neither was she. There'll even be a scene where she goes into the impoverished side of town and warns the black community there to stay out of her side of town!

Me: If I take my prosthetic off, I can beat myself and the producers with it -

Studio Exec: She helps him acquire his skill for the game!

Me: She did not! He did that! You're making him a supporting character in his own biopic?

Studio Exec:...ooh, what a twist!

Me: How many parts of this film do you plan on whitewashing??

Studio Exec: Eh. All of it, I guess.

Me: Why? Why do we need another white savior movie? Why do we need to erase half of this man's drive and skill in order to make Midwestern America feel good about themselves? Why do we need a movie that talks down to every one of every denomination? Why do we need a movie that panders to liberal guilt, American exceptionalism, and will piss off a lot of people, including people with common perception and Michael Oher himself? Why do we need to give Sandra Bullock a grating, condescending role that will unfortunately eclipse her role in Gravity, one of the greatest lead performances ever! Why's it so "meh" in quality, like a first time film student made it? Why the hell, Chad? Why?!

Studio Exec: Kid, like the Tootsie Pop owl, we'll never know, but hey, we got a Best Picture nomination.

Me: What? You're joking - holy shit, how? This beat Coraline for a nomination? Food, Inc.? Black motherfucking Dynamite? Oh, son of a bitch. Time to jump ship and get that degree in physics.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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