How does one come back from what feels like the ultimate end? I believed the stressful part of my life was finally over. How naive. I lived through four years of high school, multiple heartbreaks, transferring colleges, a failed attempt at studying abroad, and so much more.
Who am I? No, seriously, who am I? Does any 20-year-old know who they are? I sure as hell do not.
Full disclosure, I have a lot of things that affect my life. I can openly admit that I absolutely undoubtedly contribute half of these things. Whether it be my mental health, my disregard for normal social interactions, or just letting life happen, I always have things I'm "dealing" with. I am not the easy child by any means. Sorry, Mom and Dad.
However, having things that go wrong in your life or just having "things" in your life does not mean you are not ok or incapable of living a normal life. I recently let my life events take control of the way in which I lived my life. I was talking to my therapist about this (yeah, I go to therapy) and was thoroughly confused why I was telling myself that I was "emotionally unstable/not ok" when I literally was so not those things. In reality, I was just sad that bad things had happened. Bad things happen... It's life. DUH.
I am, however, the difficult girl. The one who opens my mouth a little too often, or not enough. I do not live my life at a happy medium, but am not so sure I want to. Life is short and extreme, so go big or go home, right? I've learned from my mistakes and learned in general. And now... I am just striving to be ok…
To be ok with the voice in my head. To be ok with all life has to offer. To be ok with the gray, the uncertainty of it all.
Let me tell you why being ok with it all is my new motto, my new way of life.
In a bad turn of events, I watched my life literally crumble piece by piece in a matter of seconds. Sitting here, writing this at 5:38 on a Tuesday, I want to scream. I want to throw a plate, hit a wall, and just cry. Nothing has gone correctly in the past few weeks and I can not look past the why. Or rather, the why me.
What did I do in my life to deserve this? Maybe nothing. Maybe absolutely nothing. There are so many things I can say and so many people to blame but it's my turn to take full responsibility for it all.
Although the deeper message here seems to be a greater lesson of learning, I do not want to acknowledge that. I'm f***ing angry.
Ok, breath. Ok, go.
Yeah, I am angry, annoyed, confused, but I am also oddly ok. I was not at all at first but became ok. It took a few days. I recentered and thought "Ok, now what?"
Now, nothing. Now we wait and we settle for ok because life is tricky and it is a game no one can play and win. I am a straight problem-solution girl. I never realized I was until meeting a friend who explained herself to be one too. It made so much sense. I like knowing there is an outcome to everything in my life. It is a life where I have no spontaneity and create rules for myself.
On a side note, these rules are dumb. I'm not sure why my subconscious creates them for myself. For example, I'd see a friend out at a bar and tell myself I wasn't allowed to say hi because I was too unstable. K, What Isabelle? Or, I would tell myself that people from my past hated me when in reality, they were saying hi and I was CHOOSING to see that they weren't. WHAT? Ok, Isabelle, the kid said hi to you. Why did you insist he hated you when he said hi to you?
Rules. What are these absurd rules?
I'm sorry, but no offense, life does not have rules.
So here's my tell-all. My life-altering, life-changing story of the time in my 20 years of existence where I literally was so sad in a course of two days that I went home for a weekend, sat, and cried in my mother's arms like an eight-year-old. It will probably happen again. And again. And again. That is the sad truth about life.
But my tell-all shows how I got up, how I became ok with being ok and not being ok. I mean, I am not ok right now, but I am ok with knowing I am not ok. How I let the gray take over so I could just breath. Move in a new direction.
Life is uncertain and shit happens. It's how you handle it that makes the day to day easier... or harder.