Currently, Jews around the globe are celebrating Pesach, or Passover. The holiday commemorates the Jews’ struggle for freedom from slavery in ancient Egypt, when they had to quickly flee the country and escape the pharaoh’s army.
As a result, they had no time to wait for their bread to rise. So, during Passover, we Jews don't eat or drink anything that contains grains and water, which ferment and rise (called chametz), and stick to this cracker-type thing known as matzo. This leads to certain issues over the eight-day holiday, so let's take a look at the top six of them:
1. Cheap food.
This one's a killer. If there's one thing I live off of as a broke college student, it's cheap sandwiches from my local bodega. For less than five bucks, I have myself an awesome BLT with spicy mayo, a croissant, and an Arizona. Right now, all I can get from the deli is the damn Arizona. Could I ask my pals at the deli if they have matzo? Sure, but I already haggle them about the price of cigarettes, and haggling a bunch of Yemenis about money and matzo would not be the best look.
2. Alcohol.
Passover also makes drinking more problematic. Unlike the food component, it isn't just a lack of alcoholic options that's the issue, but the type of options. Since we Jews can't consume anything with grain and water during Passover (most alcohol), that leaves us with the fun ones: rum, potato vodka, and tequila. Basically, I'm being commanded by my religion to stick to tequila.
3. Pot.
This used to be a problem for stoners, but not anymore. Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky, considered the leading living ultra-Orthodox halachic authority, ruled that marijuana is kosher for Passover. I hope weed becomes a thing in more religious communities, because I will never grow tired of watching old Hasidic men praying over bud.
4. Munchies.
This is a direct result of numbers three and four. When I've had one or lots too many to drink, my go-to is a burger and fries. If I get hungry after some other extracurricular activities, I generally go for a bagel and shmear. And now, during the so-called "Festival of Freedom," I'm not allowed to eat what I want? That's meshugeh.
5. The matzo-induced constipation.
If you've eaten matzo for a few days straight, you know what's going to happen: you won't be able to take a dump for days. Shit happens, except on Passover.
6. The existential crisis.
Inevitably, you walk into a fine foods store and see a perfect non-Kosher item. You slowly unravel, and find yourself questioning why on Earth you even keep the holiday and why you willingly submit yourself to such torture. But then you realize it's because you're Jewish and love being Jewish, so you pick up your things, walk out, and forget your problems until the next fasting holiday comes around.
