I always wanted to be that person who was successful from a young age. The one others would see and say wow she’s only 20 and look at all she’s accomplished. The one that tells others “you really need to try this new bank/insurance plan/tea cleanse it worked really well and gave me this super confident glow that makes everyone around me want to be me” and she says it with a sparkling smile and on point eyeliner. The one who tries the newest trend on Pinterest and it worked out perfectly for her, and yet if anyone else tried it, the results would be catastrophic. Everyone listens to her; everyone wants to be her, and everyone sees the success in her eyes and envies it.

So when I turned 20 I had a bit of a crisis. I realized I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know if I really want to be in school. Questioning that if I’m not in school what am I going to do instead. Needless to say, I was having my fair share of anxiety about turning 20. What am I supposed to be doing with my life and what I should be doing with my life became two very different things that I had never realized would drastically change my future.

The expectations put on the upcoming generations have become some of the most of the highest and unrealistic expectations. Global warming is becoming a real thing that many of the older generations are finally realizing, the deficit is at an all-time high- I’m assuming. And then there're all these things that I don’t really even know about but that I’m supposed to being a 20-year-old; taxes, the stock market, housing market (all the markets), 401K’s, insurance, all building up to WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO AFTER I GRADUATE?!? So what are we supposed to do? Play the blame game? Blaming the school system, previous generations, sugar and carbs, the government- a crowd favorite. Well, the first thing I did as a respectable nonteen was called my mom, then cry… a lot. After being calmed by the magical power that all moms possessed, I went to bed and tried to be positive about the new day coming. I decided to make a list hoping to feel like I have a hold on things and I’m not the hot mess I feel. So dealing with the day-to-day responsibilities and semi-avoiding, the big picture worries became the norm. Yet the big picture worries became the rain cloud. You know the big worries that loom over like an annoying rain cloud that never actually rains (just blocks the sunshine) and constantly reminds you that you should be doing better. So even the small victories are dimmed down by the fact that yes you turned in the homework today or survived a shift at work but you still have to pay rent, be saving to pay off student loans or looking for an internship.

The list thing didn’t turn out, if you were all wondering. It would start at the beginning of the month and commit to turning things around. Giving the illusion that I was getting a grip and not just barley keeping my head above the water. So I went to the adults. The actual adults that have lived through what I’m going through. And I was annoyed to find that those who I consider adults- defining trait was they didn’t need help filling out their taxes- claimed this was part of growing up. They accept that being an adult means not knowing what you do half the time and feeling like you are completely lost in life and one wrong decision and quite literally ruin the next ten years.

And I then did the next adult thing of my 20 year age and refused to accept it. I refuse to accept that being an adult means worrying about money constantly, making sure I’m set up for later in life just because that’s what the commercial on TV says I’m supposed to do. Refuse that I go to school simply because at this point I honestly don’t know what else to do. And refuse to see the only way to get out of my said mess is to work twice as hard, get lucky a couple times and follow the same route as everyone else, just at an accelerated pace to get ahead of the game.

So as I turned 20 about a week ago I have come to the conclusion that I have absolutely no idea of what I’m doing. This article doesn’t have an awesome movie moment where I realized the answer or even that I’m ok with where I’m at. I’m not going to be an adult about it just because of my age. I’m going to be 20 and just hope that I’ll make it to the next month and turn in some homework AND pay rent. Not knowing what to do about the big picture worries and hoping that one day the answer will come to me. Or even better that I make the answer come to me by realizing that by being 20 I don’t have to be an “adult” I just have to keep figuring out me.