Everyone has had their heartbroken at some point or another, whether it was your sixth grade crush or your first real relationship, like mine.
Sure, there were boys before him, but never any like him. No one I was ever as comfortable around or could trust whole heartedly. My first heartbreak was the most devastating, yet rewarding thing that has ever happened to me.
Half a year, that’s all it took. It took me 6 months to completely fall head over heels, love, and lose him. For 6 months he was my best friend, and everything I ever needed in a relationship. It doesn’t sound like a lot of time, but believe me when I say it felt like a lifetime.
I knew when I went away to college it was going to be an obstacle that we were going to need to get around, but I didn’t think it was going to tear us apart. It was almost immediately after I left him for the last time, just days before I had to leave for school, that I noticed a switch. Communication was never our strong suit, but this was different. The constant berating about why I was doing certain things, or going certain places was obnoxious, and frankly I knew we were losing trust in each other.
Two weeks. Two weeks into my freshman year of college is all it took. We were just too far apart, physically and emotionally. I was trying to grow and I felt like he was shrinking me back down. We were broken and we both knew it. So in the heat of the moment I told him I was done.
He was my first real boyfriend, the first adult relationship I had ever had. And for the past half a year he was my everything, and it hit me right then that he was gone. Like a stab in the chest, my entire body shook and I was so lost. I proceeded to lay in bed for two days. Full blown movie breakup style. An entire box of tissues and a red tear stained face later, it hit me how much I missed him already, so with shaky hands, and no idea what to say, I called him. I begged for him back for what seemed like hours, just sobbing. I said I was sorry that I ended it. But to no avail, he was done and deep inside me, I knew I was too. We both knew there was no fixing what we had just done.
As the days and weeks that followed, I was having a really hard time getting back out there. College is all about meeting new people and trying new things, but it was so hard to do without his constant encouraging words, and me knowing I wasn’t going to be able to tell him about how fun my night was. Going out with my single friends, who were interested in talking to other guys was so hard for me. I wasn’t ready for all that yet, and every time I tried, he was all I thought of.
The next stage I hated him, and I wanted him to know it. I would talk negatively about him to my friends and family. I just wanted everyone to know that I was pissed that we broke up, and that I didn’t deserve that, even though it was me who originally ended our relationship.
Then there was the stage where I realized it wasn't anyones fault. One day I woke up, and I was done, I was ready to stop being miserable, stop trying to post pictures I thought would grab his attention and have him crawling back to me. Stop blaming him or myself. Done speaking about him like it was all his fault. I knew deep down that this was a good thing. We fell apart so something better could fall together. In retrospect, he was the best thing that ever happened to me.
He introduced me to music and movies I never would have known about otherwise. We never had a dull moment. He showed me what it truly felt like to be loved and respected. For those 6 months he was my world, but the second we were over, it was time for me to become my own world. I needed to focus on school, and growing as a person.
Sometimes I still miss him, miss us, but that’s the thing about heartbreak, you can get passed it. I have no hard feelings about him anymore. All I can do now is thank him for being there through tough times, and I know if it really came down to it, he would be there for me still. But I’ve grown up, and now I need to focus on myself, and who I’m going to be now after him, rather than who I was with him.
