Heartbreak. When one is truly so devastated over losing someone that it physically feels like their heart is aching. Seems simple enough, right? If you’ve ever felt this way, you’d categorize yourself as having experienced heartbreak, or even as having your heart broken currently. Based on the simple definition given above, I would also say that I have been heartbroken before. Twice, actually – maybe even three times.
What prompted me to write this is that precise statement – “I have experienced heartbreak before”? At first glance, it doesn’t seem too out of the ordinary; I’m a young adult, who has been in and out of relationships before, so naturally I have experienced heartbreak. But when you really think about it, it seems a little silly. To be heartbroken, one must have been in love before. Still doesn’t seem too strange, right?
But I think it is. To actually be in love is something way over my head, out of my reach, as I’m sure it is for many people. The word gets thrown around a lot, but that doesn’t mean it is actually felt. If you’re as young as I am and say you’ve been in love, I beg to differ – for most of you at least.
I’d argue this because after some thought, I’ve reached the conclusion that many relationships aren’t so much about love as they are comfort. Let’s face it – most people aren’t in love with the person they are seeing or dating; they’re comfortable with them, at least at our age.
Think about when most people begin entering into relationships. Due to personal experience, I would guess middle school. My first boyfriend was in seventh grade. As a seventh grader, I definitely did not know what love was. Now, I am 20-years-old, in my third year of college and I still don’t know what love is. But I sure know what comfort is. Comfort is something that is always there. At any given moment, in any given place, we are either comfortable or we are not. And either feeling is usually most prevalent at that moment. If we are cold, for example, that thought is usually foremost in our mind, and so we grab onto a blanket or the nearest person to provide us with some warmth. It’s as simple as that – we do not like the feeling of discomfort.
In the sense of relationships, the same rule applies. We don’t like discomfort. And in every lasting relationship, there comes a point where you cross the boundary of comfort. It becomes more comfortable to be with that person than without them. It could happen right away, or after a month, or even a year. But it just so happens that when you click with someone, or spend enough time with them, you become used to them, comfortable with their presence, and you do not want them to leave.
Many people mistake this for love. And maybe this is what love is for some people; I'm not here to tell you what love is or what it's supposed to feel like. But I'm here to argue that love and comfort are two very different things. We may think we're in love because of all the external factors that we get exposed to, but I guarantee that it's simply comfort.
Our feelings are fueled by love songs, hate songs, sad movies, romantic movies, famous couples posting their love on social media, novels written about exquisite lovers, those around us whom we observe. We may have naturally developed a spark, a simple spark, of true feelings throughout our relationship with someone, feelings that were a simple consequence of our significant other. But I guarantee you, the rest of those emotions that you are feeling, that hatred, that passion, that longing, are simply an effect of external factors that relationships are influenced by.
So you and your boyfriend break up. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it sucks. But it suddenly sucks 10 times more when you open up Instagram and see a picture-perfect image of Vanessa Hudgens and her boyfriend. You think, “That could have been us!” And suddenly you are overcome with sadness and rage. You are suddenly much more bitter after listening to Taylor Swift’s “Blank Space.” You think to yourself, “he was awful to me, he was a liar” and the anger comes back full force. All of these factors fit into the intricate illusion of heartbreak and make it seem that much worse. You believe that because you are experiencing such disaster and trauma after your breakup, you must have been in love and now you are heartbroken. But in more cases then not, you probably weren't in love – it's those influences completely external from your relationship that make your heart ache more, not the actual separation from your significant other.
Once you realize this and remove all external factors, the whole perception of heartbreak seems a bit silly. It isn’t really heartbreak at all, is it? It is simply discomfort. You were used to having them around, by your side and now they are absent from your life. Any sudden change like that would cause someone discomfort for a time. But the thing you need to realize is that it is much easier to get over discomfort than it is to get over heartbreak. You don’t need to put the pieces back together – you just need to find something that once again feels comfortable for you.
