As someone who has been betrayed by a person they loved, I know how it makes you feel. I know about the torture you go through when it comes to building new relationships. I know about the pain of waking up to an empty bed, and realizing that no one is there to love you, to keep you safe and warm. But I also know about how enlightening it can be. It takes something tragic to unlock a person’s true courage; I know that now. Before? I didn’t know anything.
I was blissfully unaware of the soul-sucking lifestyle I was unknowingly forcing myself to endure. “It’ll get better,” I said, “He’ll be his old self soon.” I was lying to myself. I was killing myself. I was losing myself in order to become closer to a person who wanted me as far away as they could possibly send me. But I didn’t care because I was “happy.” Until I wasn’t.
I often stayed up late thinking of all the ways I screwed up my life. I thought about how much I hated myself for pushing him away. I thought I was what drove him to turn his phone off and stay out late with God knows who. And when he’d finally come home? Let’s just say, I never knew how alone you could feel while laying right next to another person. I started speaking up and lashing out towards him. I knew there had to be a point where he came back to me. At least, I thought I did.
He cheated on me. But, I kind of already knew that. Deep down, I knew it for a while. Why did I stay with him for so long? Years of my young life, wasted on someone who wasn’t worth the time I dedicated to him. I was so hurt, mad and upset because I didn’t think I could ever be happy again. If someone who said he loved me could betray me so harshly, how could anyone else ever feel any type of affection toward me? How could I ever feel comfortable enough to let someone else into my life?
I said many rude things about that girl. I grew up with her. She considered us her “siblings.” (I guess “brother” is a loose term to some people. Ew.) We used to watch movies and go out to eat together, and she turned right around and betrayed me in a way that felt unforgivable. But I forgave her. Not because it wasn’t her fault, because she had as much to do with it as he did, but because I realize now that she did me a favor. She got me out of a detrimental relationship before I got to a point I couldn’t turn back from. I truly hope she isn’t experiencing the same hardships in their relationship as I did, because no one deserved to feel that way. No one deserves to feel as though their life was erased and they have to start from scratch.
I thought I would forever feel unworthy of someone’s affection. After a few failing prospects, (one of which, almost ending in me filing for a restraining order,) I found the man that I am certain I will spend the rest of my life with. He picked me up out of the dark place I was residing and brought me back to the land of the living. The best part about him isn’t that he loves me, it’s that he taught me to love myself first. He showed me that I can’t expect someone to appreciate me unless I know my worth. That’s what I want you all to take from this: unless you know your own self-worth, you can’t expect someone to treat you like you’re worthy. Don’t rely outside opinions and validation when it comes to your life because, if you do, you will never be truly happy.
