It was a year and five months before I came to terms with a close friend's suicide. I went a year not grieving, not feeling, being emotionally numb till one F.C.A meeting. But before I get too far let me explain why it was this F.C.A meeting that I finally began to deal, during a time span of a month we had two heroin overdoses of our school's alumni and a suicide of our town's local surfers. Being somewhat of a leader in F.C.A. I thought we should talk to the student body about drugs and suicide, so I contacted my friend's mom and our adviser contacted one of the parents who sons that overdosed on heroin. At the meeting, we had several friends that were also good friends of the Tori's and her mom, her mom talked about her death for awhile and I still couldn't feel anything till she asked me to say something. Out of nowhere, it hit me when I was talking about going to go to college and running cross -country without her and how it wasn't right. Granted she wasn't a runner like me but she was the reason I pushed myself so hard my senior year running, I ran to ignore that she was gone because I wasn't ready to face the facts. Tears were streaming down my face as I told them I could recall that week seeing her laughing in chemistry and seeing her as we got on the buses, and then not seeing her and knowing that one of my best friends was gone forever. I tried to continue but that lump you get when you hear something bad happen was in my throat and I knew I had to go because if I kept talking I would never stop crying. But if I had known then that I would never truly be okay with what happened and that my boss would send me home because the tears wouldn't stop, I would've continued to tell them that these next few months would drive me to constantly replay that week and that I should've gone to therapy. I hadn't known this and I wish I could go back to that day and tell them that no matter where I am or what I'm doing that week still plays through my mind if I'm not preoccupied. That losing her was something I would have to deal with till I was likely old and grey.
Losing you has been the hardest thing so far in my life, Tori. I sometimes hear your laugh and see your smile in these little kids that look almost exactly like you. I've been so numb for so long and being at college it's harder to not let you not being here with me not affect me so much. I wish that you hadn't done it and that I would be able to visit you at your college, but I can't so I'm having to take everyday slow and remember I can't message you about how I bombed a paper or how not being cleared to run is driving me insane. However, I'm keeping the promise I made at your funeral to keep running for you and to try to be more understanding. It's just hard because I remember that week you died leading to your funeral and it haunts me still. But I know what you would say, "It's college nothing is meant to be so serious that it stops you from reaching goals, and not to focus on such morbid things like my death."
To whoever reads this just know that if you can help someone from ending their life help them, I couldn't save my friend from a severe anxiety attack that resulted in the end of her life. Losing her made me emotionally numb and has continued to make being college a little more of a fight because I sometimes just want to curl up in bed and not talk. This was my sad reality of getting into college and not having my best friend for the ups and downs. Losing Victoria before college like I said has made things hard and has made me stronger, I just wish that I had been able to help her so that I wouldn't have lost a friend. So as you are going through classes just know that not everyone is who they make themselves seem, Victoria was the goofiest and happiest person I had known but what I didn't know was how bad it was for her. Just keep it in mind that suicide of any of love one or classmate or friend will ultimately change you and if you can help them before it's too late do it.
