Some people say it in a mere matter of weeks. Some it takes months. Others, closer to a year. But when do you really know if you love someone?
Is it after you've seen every possible side of them? When you witness their anger, their sadness and the days they are the worst versions of themselves? When you see how they handle both failure and success?
Once you've figured out what makes them tick, the conversations they aren't willing to have and the qualities they are not willing to change? Do you fall in love when you see them at their happiest when their energy lights up every corner of your world? Do you fall in love every time they make you laugh, or keep you from falling apart?
Or is it beyond all of that? Is it a feeling in yourself, a magnetic pull in your core that draws you to them, convincing you there's not another day on Earth you can spend without them? Is it the butterflies, the craving for them when you're sad...the empty space in your bed calling their name?
I told my ex after 3 1/2 weeks that I loved him. My feelings were intense, passionate and overwhelming. In two months we were peeking into ring shops and by 4 months we were engaged. 8 months into my relationship I realized I had not given myself time to really know everything I needed to about him, and about us, to commit to each other for the rest of our lives. For him, however, it was entirely different.
In that short amount of time he saw me at my very worst, he saw me achieve goals I had been working towards for years and he got a very clear glimpse of my family life. He saw every side of me, very quickly. However, I didn't have enough time to experience all of him in the same way.
Did I love him? Yes. Was it a love strong enough to have lasted? No.
How often do we say it too fast, only to have it backfire in our face later?
Now, I feel like I put so much more caution into telling someone I love them. I count the qualities that are important to me. The honesty, the acceptance, the support...the long and intimate conversations. The effort they show me, the kindness I see in their hearts.
I want to see how they treat me when I've made them mad. I want to know if they're arrogant once they've tasted success. I want to witness how they treat people who aren't important to them and how they handle me when I'm difficult. I want to experience who they are; the best and the worst qualities. Because sometimes we're so convinced we're in love until we see our partner in a light we don't like. It's easy to love the idea of someone you don't know that well in the beginning of a relationship.
I don't want to tell someone I love them, and then look at them 8 months later and wonder how to best break their heart because I didn't take the time to really get to know who I was saying those three words to. I don't want to imagine a future in my head to turn around and let it shatter because I didn't take the time to determine if I really loved them, instead of if I loved how they made me feel. And how long does that take? I think it depends.
I think it depends on the amount of time you spend together, how comfortable you are and how your relationship evolves. There is no right answer to that question. But there are better ways to fall in love with someone than falling blindly. Because if the love is real, it shouldn't blind you in the beginning only to hurt you in the end.
