The Reality of the “Do You Know” Game

A couple nights ago, I attended my family friend’s graduation party, which was full of new faces. After 40 minutes of girl-flirting with my friend’s college besties, I noticed a pattern in almost every interaction. See, once the stranger discovered a location/school/vacation we had in common, usually to the second degree, they immediately followed up with the dreaded question: “do you know *insert random name of boy who stole your Lunchables in 2^nd grade here*?” After many of these conversations, and playing many different roles within said conversations, I drunkenly inquired about the deep meaning behind the “do you know game.” What exactly is everyone trying to get out of it and why is it so contagious? Although we may never know the true intentions of this addicting, second nature means of small talk, I’d like to highlight the various positions one will play throughout the game.

1. The one who simply ‘knows’ the person mentioned.

If you ask your new female friend if she knows Marla Goldschmidt from Great Neck, NY with the bulldog named Harley, and she replies with the simple “Oh yeah, I know Marla. Small world!” Just stop there. Please, for everyone, do not egg her on. She either A) hates Marla, B) feels Marla is irrelevant, or C) cyber stalks Marla on the daily but doesn’t want to give it away since Marla has zero idea who she is. Let’s be real. If she loved Marla the response would have been an exaggerated, Janice-from-Friends-like shrieking “OH MY GOD. MARLA GOLDSCHMIDT. THAT IS LITERALLY AND I MEAN LITERALLY MY SOULMATE. I LOVE HER. STAHP IT NOW!!!”

2. The one who wont quit until a connection is made.

“Do you know Joey from Fairfield with the freckles? He totally grew into his nose this year.”

“Nope.”

“Oh, okay. How about Debbie? She’s such a riot, come on, she’s super hipster and does stand-up comedy on the weekends?

“No, sorry.”

“Ugh, I’m trying to think. There has to be someone! Oh, JASON! Jason Blumenthal.”

“Nope. I’m going to go take a lap around the room now.”

If you’re this relentless asker, the feeling of finally finding that mutual connection must be more exhilarating than freshly waxed eyebrows. I must ask you, if he/she does not know the ten’s of people you’ve listed does that make you think they are a cave person? Or does that mean you have weird friends? Either way, someone’s being judged here.

3. The one who absolutely hates the person mentioned.

There’s nothing better than waiting for the “do you know” name to be announced. It’s rarely a name you’d expect, and in many cases, is the person who’s the sole motivator for your revenge bod A.K.A. the bully or the ex. “Oh yeah, I grew up with Jessica. That’s funny.” But what you really want to say is “Ha, Jessica. You mean Satan’s spawn who told everyone I wore a diaper until 4^th grade? My therapist says my trust issues stem from my first play-date with her.” W.O.A.T.

4. The one who actually likes the person mentioned.

In this case, the “do you know” game just built a newfound friendship over the fact that both parties actually enjoy the presence of the same person, and thus, now believe they will enjoy one another’s. Seeing two faces light up while talking about “Ah, classic Laynie. Always helping out at the nursing home. I wonder how she’s doing at Yale. Do you know if she’s still playing violin at the NY Philharmonic?” is a beautiful thing. Kidding, it’s totally bizarre that this connection makes people feel like they have to name every redeeming characteristic about their homie. But since it’s human nature, and we’re all annoying like this, I hope in that magical moment when people connect through me they’ll say something about my being a master pie eater with an affinity for mason jars who always orders the best meal at the restaurant. But not all of us are worthy of a number 4 result and that’s just a reality we have to come to terms with.

5. The innocent bystander.

Let’s all the take a moment of silence for the awkward third party trying to keep up with the conversation while the two others are going off about Matty-G, the rap legend from Albany. If you’ve been here, and let’s not kid ourselves because we’ve all been this guy, then you know what it’s like to actively sip from your red solo cup every couple seconds while looking out, blankly into the distance after realizing you still have nothing to contribute to this small talk. But can you walk away now? Without saying goodbye? Should you interrupt this potentially life-changing moment? IDK but watching you stand there is super cringe. I hope to have this situation figured out before I’m forty but just like boobs, nothing’s guaranteed.

6. The one who asks to send a selfie to your mutual connection.

So we figured out we either A) like the same human or B) pretended to like the same human. Now, the one of us who has the mutual buddy on Snapchat is suggesting we take a hilarious selfie for him/her. I mean how can you not express to this person that we did in fact just succeed at the “do you know” game? It’s 2017; send a Snapchat captioned “OMG! LOOK WHO I FOUND” or it didn’t happen.

When it comes down to “do you know” etiquette, I’ve found its best to not go in too eager or naïve. You need a strategy, right? If you’re the one asking the questions here you MUST read into the face or tone of the person being asked. On the other hand, as the person being asked, I grant you my sincere apologies. Because any advice I’d give you has zero chance of entering your mind the moment you’re ambushed with the “do you know” question. Sorry. Happy hunting everyone, I’d love to see some comments about great “do you know” moments that ended either in miraculous success or epic catastrophe.