It’s no secret that lately, I’ve been penning some pretty provocative articles. It’s difficult to say if these pieces came from a new epiphanic, open-eyed state of mind, or perhaps from a place of comfort and confidence in making my voice heard. Whatever the cause, I’m finding that I am not just reaching a broader audience and getting more shares - I’m also reaping the rewards of having changed and opened minds, even if it’s just one at a time. So, again, I'm going to be honest and write on something that’s bothered me for a long time - years even - and is once again being thrust into the limelight.
This week, the trailer for the newest installment in the movie adaptations of E.L. James’s famous (or infamous?) erotic saga "Fifty Shades of Grey." I want to take this opportunity to ask you to please make a few considerations before you see the movie, or even read the books (which, in my opinion, are worse).
1. "Fifty Shades" associates sex with violence, without any context.
While I don’t know a lot about the BDSM universe, I do know that members of that community will tell you that all sexual activities that fall under the BDSM umbrella are preceded by consent, communication, self-awareness, trust, emotional stability, and independence. What we see (multiple times) in the movie is Anastasia, the protagonist, who is visibly intensely uncomfortable with the situation, but too shy to protest. In the most technical sense, any sex that occurred beyond the point of Anastasia not giving express consent should be constituted as rape - but that’s not how it’s painted. Instead, we see the completely improbable and incredibly unhealthy situation which unfolds, in which Christian, her “lover” (I hesitate to call him this - what Christian propagates in the course of the novels and movie definitely isn't love), continuously pushes himself on her - and his dogged, very creepy pursuit of Anastasia sexually is framed as romantic, fiercely loving, passionate, which brings me to my next point.
2. Christian very literally stalks Anastasia, and it’s completely romanticized.
Imagine this: someone you know starts showing up all over the place. He’s there at your work, at your home, when you’re out with friends - and then, inexplicably, he tracks you down to a party at your mother’s house across the country. Creepy, right? Not creepy enough to deter Ana, however, whose horror at these things (all of which occurred in the movie) is totally eclipsed by her overwhelming love and desire for Christian, who clearly loves her so much that he’s gone to incredible lengths to pursue her. Sorry, but I’m calling BS on this - I was stalked during my freshman year of college, and it’s probably the furthest thing from “romantic” I’ve ever experienced. Some guy showing up at your place of work, where you go and get coffee, and all throughout your day, isn’t romantic. It’s scary. Period.
3. The way Christian treats Anastasia is nothing short of abuse.
I’m a survivor of an abusive relationship, and when I read the books and saw the movie, I saw parts of myself in Anastasia. Saying no was hard for me because in most instances the word “no” was met with a harsh reprimand or even a refusal to listen. I’ve known the kind of cold, calculating control that Christian exercises over Anastasia. I’ve felt the threat behind domineering (and very chilling) personality, and I’ve felt the fear and hopelessness that she feels. I’ve been stuck and scared and beaten down, and I saw that Anastasia was too. And yet, this book has sold millions of copies, it’s heavily romanticized, and it’s been made into a movie series. Very frankly, it’s insulting to me, as an abuse survivor, that this sort of drivel is marketed as the “ideal relationship.” Christian isn’t sexy. He isn’t mysterious, or brooding, or intriguing. He’s an abuser. Are we forgetting a scene in the book where Ana says no, doesn't consent, and Christian proceeds anyway? Guys, that’s rape. What happened to “no means no?” What about the one in three girls who will experience sexual assault at some point in their lives? What about the one in six girls who will be raped? What about the statistics that say an American is sexually assaulted every two minutes? Are we really throwing all this away because the perpetrator is handsome, sends romantic gifts, and has lots of money? News flash: dating an abuser is a very particular kind of hell, and I don’t recommend it.
I’ll leave you with some memorable quotes from the series:
Christian: “Dr. Green is coming to sort you out…”
Ana: “Why?”
Christian: “Because I hate condoms …”
Ana: “It’s my body.”
Christian: “It’s mine, too.”
“He’s said such loving things today … But how long will he want to do this without wanting to beat the crap out of me.”
“'Well, if you were mine, you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday. You didn't eat, you got drunk, you put yourself at risk.’”
And some more reading material, if you’re interested.
