The Problem With Modern Dating

The Problem With Modern Dating

... is not you.
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My friend tells me that guys seem to fall off the face of the earth after a nice date and a few texts. She can never figure out where she went wrong.

Another girl I know tells me she experiences the same thing and describes it as feeling like the “Almost Girl.”


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Every time she meets a new guy on Tinder or reconnects with an ex, it seems to be going well but then he either swipes right on someone else, finds a cute girl in his DM’s, or gets a text from his ex and seems to vanish without warning…again. She feels like she’s almost pretty enough (until someone prettier steals his attention), almost interesting enough (until someone more interesting swoops in), or almost date-able enough (until someone more date-able pops up on his newsfeed). And just like that, she was almost enough but…not quite.

And it’s not just girls feeling this way. My own brothers have shared with me similar frustrations they have with girls that they meet.

There seems to be a lot of mixed signals, confusion, heartbreak, and many good things ending with ambiguity and silence instead of with closure and honesty. There’s a growing fear of commitment as millennials swipe left and right through the virtual catalog of possible mates the internet offers.

And when one after another seem to crumble without warning, far too many are left asking: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I don’t know the specifics of your love life but I do think that the digital dating trend has become so convenient that real dating and true commitment have been contaminated by it.

Before you get angry and defensive, let me just clarify that I’m not saying you can’t meet someone online. Heck, my husband and I kind of met online. We had mutual friends and followed each other on Instagram (it was not nearly as popular as it is now, I didn’t even have my blog then!) before we had ever met in person. When we had to date long distance, most of our communication was on the phone and via texting. So hey, I’m not saying meeting someone online or using technology when dating long distance can’t work out.


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I am saying is that always having a pocketful of other potentially ‘better’ options (or so goes the lie we believe) at the touch of a button makes commitment incredibly hard on a person. The excitement that comes when someone new finds you attractive makes it much harder to stay focused on the person you just had coffee with.

It’s as if our generation is becoming less and less equipped to meet a decent, quality human being, accept their flaws or mistakes, and have a conversation about the hard stuff because it’s almost becoming unnecessary. One can always swipe right and find someone else if any ounce of doubt crosses his or her mind. The options are virtually endless.

Again, I know not EVERYONE does this – at least not intentionally – but it’s like the world is obsessed chasing butterflies. I mean, who doesn’t like the thrill and excitement of someone finding us attractive (and virtually telling us by swiping right), a first date, a first kiss, etc.? But the problem with chasing butterflies is that they fly away.

The temptation to chase that feeling of excitement and approval that comes with each new swipe and with something (or someone) fresh and new is escalated by the convenience of apps like Tinder. There’s always a new option…and then the girl (or guy) ends up feeling like they’re always ALMOST enough… but again, not quite.

Studies have shown that the feeling those apps bring–the feeling of approval and instant gratification–has been considered addictive for some (even after meeting a decent human being that they actually like!)

The Huffington Post published an article on this issue a couple years ago.

That deeply personal, useful and instantly gratifying information makes Tinder an addictive experience, with each match fueling a kind of emotional high. Research has shown “likes” on Facebook and retweets on Twitter can release a dopamine surge that, in some cases, lead to social media addiction. Now imagine the chemical effect of immediate e-feedback that’s even more personal: While Facebook tells you if someone liked your status update, Tinder tells you if someone likes you. How soon will it be before people go from enjoying that feeling to craving it?


Tinder’s popularity both underscores and feeds an obsession with constant acknowledgment and approval. It suggests we’re all but starving for likes, eager for affirmation, and will no doubt be suffering even more acute Tinderitis in our push to figure out which strangers, and how many, think we’re hot. — The Huffington Post

Other studies have shown that the very feeling you experience when you feel like the Almost Girl – the icky feeling of low self-esteem and not-enoughness is correlated to apps like Tinder.

So if you’re having trouble dating, if you constantly feel like possible relationships fall through before you even have much of chance, please realize that the problem isn’t you. The problem is chasing that “emotional high,” or, butterflies. And now there are literally apps for capturing them.

What’s the answer, then?

I’m not sure there’s a perfect solution. This whole dating thing is inevitably going to be trickier and trickier as these apps and sites become more and more popular (and addicting). But you’re not the almost girl. You’re not almost enough, you’re always enough–even if that guy didn’t like you back or ask for a second date. The butterflies may have just landed somewhere else.

So I log off for a hot second, delete the apps if you've got em, and stop asking what’s wrong with you when things don’t work out. Because you are not the problem but I also dare you not to fuel the problem.

And you're worth more than the emptiness of another swipe–you're worth the fullness of your Savior (Hebrews 13:6).

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10 Things Someone Who Grew Up In A Private School Knows

The 10 things that every private school-goer knows all too well.

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1. Uniforms

Plaid. The one thing that every private school-goer knows all too well. It was made into jumpers, skirts, shorts, scouts, hair ties, basically anything you could imagine, the school plaid was made into. You had many different options on what to wear on a normal day, but you always dreaded dress uniform day because of skirts and ballet flats. But it made waking up late for school a whole lot easier.

2. New people were a big deal

New people weren't a big thing. Maybe one or two a year to a grade, but after freshman year no one new really showed up, making the new kid a big deal.

3. You've been to school with most of your class since Kindergarten


Most of your graduating class has been together since Kindergarten, maybe even preschool, if your school has it. They've become part of your family, and you can honestly say you've grown up with your best friends.

4. You've had the same teachers over and over

Having the same teacher two or three years in a row isn't a real surprise. They know what you are capable of and push you to do your best.

5. Everyone knows everybody. Especially everyone's business.

Your graduating class doesn't exceed 150. You know everyone in your grade and most likely everyone in the high school. Because of this, gossip spreads like wildfire. So everyone knows what's going on 10 minutes after it happens.

6. Your hair color was a big deal

If it's not a natural hair color, then forget about it. No dyeing your hair hot pink or blue or you could expect a phone call to your parents saying you have to get rid of it ASAP.

7. Your school isn't like "Gossip Girl"

There is no eating off campus for lunch or casually using your cell phone in class. Teachers are more strict and you can't skip class or just walk right off of campus.

8. Sports are a big deal

Your school is the best of the best at most sports. The teams normally go to the state championships. The rest of the school that doesn't play sports attends the games to cheer on the teams.

9. Boys had to be clean-shaven, and hair had to be cut

If you came to school and your hair was not cut or your beard was not shaved, you were written up and made to go in the bathroom and shave or have the head of discipline cut your hair. Basically, if you know you're getting written up for hair, it's best just to check out and go get a hair cut.

10. Free dress days were like a fashion show

Wearing a school uniform every day can really drive you mad. That free dress day once a month is what you lived for. It was basically a fashion show for everyone, except for those upperclassmen who were over everything and just wore sweat pants.

Cover Image Credit: Authors Photos

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Who Should Pay On The First Date?

Let's settle this, once and for all.

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You would think, since it's already 2019, that people would have better first-date etiquette. Nope! I'm still baffled how many guys and girls alike still can't seem to wrap their heads around the basic rules and expectations of the dreaded first date.

I should add that these rules should also apply to second and third dates, and so on unless you and your partner come up with another mutual agreement!

I cannot put this any more simply: WHOEVER ASKS THE OTHER OUT ON THE DATE IS PAYING. Plain and simple. Ladies and gentlemen, if you ask a girl or guy out on a date, you are offering to pay! Now, let me follow this up by saying that you must clarify that it is a date for this rule to apply! Ladies, don't get offended if a guy asks you to meet up at Starbucks to study and he doesn't pay for your coffee! However, if your date asks you out, takes you to a nice restaurant, or even McDonalds, and you are on what is very clearly a romantic date, and they ask if it's cool to split the check at the end of the meal? It's done. Over. Chivalry cannot already be dead, people!

There is an easy solution for those who are asking someone else out, but who don't want to pick up the tab: let them know beforehand! When you text or call to ask them out, just ask and see if they're cool with splitting the check! I get it, it could be a little awkward, but if you're really interested in someone, who you could see yourself going on a second date with, don't hit them with the "separate checks, please," when the waiter comes to your table after the meal!

Another first date mistake I have heard about people making before: not bringing money or any form of payment to the date so that the other person is forced to pay. First of all, there are so many things wrong with that. For one thing, the person you're meeting might do the same, and then you're both in trouble when neither of you can pick up the tab at the end of your date! Secondly, unless your date has assured you beforehand that they're going to pay, not bringing cash or a card because you're expecting your date to pay is so incredibly rude!

On the other hand, I do have to address those who do ask someone out and then refuse to pay at the end of the meal. I just have one question, really: WHY?? I can sort of understand if it's a girl who asks a guy out and doesn't realize she might be expected to pay since most women have been raised to expect any man they see to pay for everything on a date. However, to any guy currently alive in the 21st century who asks a girl out on a proper date to a nice restaurant then doesn't pick up the tab, he's fooling himself. However, as I wrote before, if you know that you can't or won't pick up the tab before the date, then just let your date know before you meet up, so they're not caught off-guard, possibly without any way to pay!

To wrap all these rules up, just don't expect the other person to pick up the whole tab, no matter what, and give someone the benefit of the doubt when they can't or don't pay for your meal! It all comes down to common courtesy, respect, and understanding, so next time you go on a date, do your best to extend these to the person you're seeing!

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