The Problem With Modern Dating

The Problem With Modern Dating

... is not you.
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My friend tells me that guys seem to fall off the face of the earth after a nice date and a few texts. She can never figure out where she went wrong.

Another girl I know tells me she experiences the same thing and describes it as feeling like the “Almost Girl.”


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Every time she meets a new guy on Tinder or reconnects with an ex, it seems to be going well but then he either swipes right on someone else, finds a cute girl in his DM’s, or gets a text from his ex and seems to vanish without warning…again. She feels like she’s almost pretty enough (until someone prettier steals his attention), almost interesting enough (until someone more interesting swoops in), or almost date-able enough (until someone more date-able pops up on his newsfeed). And just like that, she was almost enough but…not quite.

And it’s not just girls feeling this way. My own brothers have shared with me similar frustrations they have with girls that they meet.

There seems to be a lot of mixed signals, confusion, heartbreak, and many good things ending with ambiguity and silence instead of with closure and honesty. There’s a growing fear of commitment as millennials swipe left and right through the virtual catalog of possible mates the internet offers.

And when one after another seem to crumble without warning, far too many are left asking: WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

I don’t know the specifics of your love life but I do think that the digital dating trend has become so convenient that real dating and true commitment have been contaminated by it.

Before you get angry and defensive, let me just clarify that I’m not saying you can’t meet someone online. Heck, my husband and I kind of met online. We had mutual friends and followed each other on Instagram (it was not nearly as popular as it is now, I didn’t even have my blog then!) before we had ever met in person. When we had to date long distance, most of our communication was on the phone and via texting. So hey, I’m not saying meeting someone online or using technology when dating long distance can’t work out.


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I am saying is that always having a pocketful of other potentially ‘better’ options (or so goes the lie we believe) at the touch of a button makes commitment incredibly hard on a person. The excitement that comes when someone new finds you attractive makes it much harder to stay focused on the person you just had coffee with.

It’s as if our generation is becoming less and less equipped to meet a decent, quality human being, accept their flaws or mistakes, and have a conversation about the hard stuff because it’s almost becoming unnecessary. One can always swipe right and find someone else if any ounce of doubt crosses his or her mind. The options are virtually endless.

Again, I know not EVERYONE does this – at least not intentionally – but it’s like the world is obsessed chasing butterflies. I mean, who doesn’t like the thrill and excitement of someone finding us attractive (and virtually telling us by swiping right), a first date, a first kiss, etc.? But the problem with chasing butterflies is that they fly away.

The temptation to chase that feeling of excitement and approval that comes with each new swipe and with something (or someone) fresh and new is escalated by the convenience of apps like Tinder. There’s always a new option…and then the girl (or guy) ends up feeling like they’re always ALMOST enough… but again, not quite.

Studies have shown that the feeling those apps bring–the feeling of approval and instant gratification–has been considered addictive for some (even after meeting a decent human being that they actually like!)

The Huffington Post published an article on this issue a couple years ago.

That deeply personal, useful and instantly gratifying information makes Tinder an addictive experience, with each match fueling a kind of emotional high. Research has shown “likes” on Facebook and retweets on Twitter can release a dopamine surge that, in some cases, lead to social media addiction. Now imagine the chemical effect of immediate e-feedback that’s even more personal: While Facebook tells you if someone liked your status update, Tinder tells you if someone likes you. How soon will it be before people go from enjoying that feeling to craving it?


Tinder’s popularity both underscores and feeds an obsession with constant acknowledgment and approval. It suggests we’re all but starving for likes, eager for affirmation, and will no doubt be suffering even more acute Tinderitis in our push to figure out which strangers, and how many, think we’re hot. — The Huffington Post

Other studies have shown that the very feeling you experience when you feel like the Almost Girl – the icky feeling of low self-esteem and not-enoughness is correlated to apps like Tinder.

So if you’re having trouble dating, if you constantly feel like possible relationships fall through before you even have much of chance, please realize that the problem isn’t you. The problem is chasing that “emotional high,” or, butterflies. And now there are literally apps for capturing them.

What’s the answer, then?

I’m not sure there’s a perfect solution. This whole dating thing is inevitably going to be trickier and trickier as these apps and sites become more and more popular (and addicting). But you’re not the almost girl. You’re not almost enough, you’re always enough–even if that guy didn’t like you back or ask for a second date. The butterflies may have just landed somewhere else.

So I log off for a hot second, delete the apps if you've got em, and stop asking what’s wrong with you when things don’t work out. Because you are not the problem but I also dare you not to fuel the problem.

And you're worth more than the emptiness of another swipe–you're worth the fullness of your Savior (Hebrews 13:6).

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To The Girl Struggling With Her Body Image

It's not about the size of your jeans, but the size of your heart, soul, and spirit.

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To the girl struggling with her body image,

You are more than the number on the scale. You are more than the number on your jeans and dresses. You are way more than the number of pounds you've gained or lost in whatever amount of time.

Weight is defined as the quantity of matter contained by a body or object. Weight does not define your self-worth, ambition or potential.

So many girls strive for validation through the various numbers associated with body image and it's really so sad seeing such beautiful, incredible women become discouraged over a few numbers that don't measure anything of true significance.

Yes, it is important to live a healthy lifestyle. Yes, it is important to take care of yourself. However, taking care of yourself includes your mental health as well. Neglecting either your mental or physical health will inflict problems on the other. It's very easy to get caught up in the idea that you're too heavy or too thin, which results in you possibly mistreating your body in some way.

Your body is your special, beautiful temple. It harbors all of your thoughts, feelings, characteristics, and ideas. Without it, you wouldn't be you. If you so wish to change it in a healthy way, then, by all means, go ahead. With that being said, don't make changes to impress or please someone else. You are the only person who is in charge of your body. No one else has the right to tell you whether or not your body is good enough. If you don't satisfy their standards, then you don't need that sort of negative influence in your life. That sort of manipulation and control is extremely unhealthy in its own regard.

Do not hold back on things you love or want to do because of how you interpret your body. You are enough. You are more than enough. You are more than your exterior. You are your inner being, your spirit. A smile and confidence are the most beautiful things you can wear.

It's not about the size of your jeans. It's about the size of your mind and heart. Embrace your body, observe and adore every curve, bone and stretch mark. Wear what makes you feel happy and comfortable in your own skin. Do your hair and makeup (or don't do either) to your heart's desire. Wear the crop top you've been eyeing up in that store window. Want a bikini body? Put a bikini on your body, simple.

So, as hard as it may seem sometimes, understand that the number on the scale doesn't measure the amount or significance of your contributions to this world. Just because that dress doesn't fit you like you had hoped doesn't mean that you're any less of a person.

Love your body, and your body will love you right back.

Cover Image Credit: Lauren Margliotti

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To The Friend I Rarely See Anymore

I wish you nothing but the best.

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When we graduated high school, we thought it was the end for us. The distance would ruin us and we wouldn't be able to call ourselves friends. Thankfully, you were my rock for the first year of school. You were the one I turned to when the adjustment was hard or when I needed someone to talk to and just listen. We never lost our connection for a whole year. We proved that nothing could pull us apart no matter how far the distance, no matter the different schedules. We were still best friends.

Another summer came and we only got stronger. We went on countless beach trips, late night hangouts, and Starbucks runs. I didn't even think it was possible to be this much closer to you than we already were. If we weren't together, we would Snapchat or text to never stop the conversation.

Now summer ended, we didn't think twice about losing our connection this time. We had a bond stronger than anyone could fathom. We once again went our separate ways and kept our texting and Snapchat habits.

But something changed.

It must've been the comfort level of sophomore year. It must've been all the new friends we got. It must have been the boys who entered our lives. We don't speak anymore. I haven't seen you since winter break. I haven't texted you since New Year's Eve. Our connection, one that was once thought to be indestructible, came crumbling down with sophomore year. I am not going to lie, sophomore year was the best of my life, but I knew you were missing the whole time. It wasn't the same without you.

I'm not upset you chose to focus your time and life on your new boyfriend. I am happy for you. I am not upset you spend more time with your school friends. I am happy for you. I am not upset you don't text me anymore and killed our streak. I know you're living a happy life. And I am too.

We may have gone our separate ways like we never imagined, but I am happy you are finally happy. Don't forget for one second that I will always be here for you. I will still always answer your text. I will still always be your shoulder to cry on even when no one else is there for you. I wish you nothing but the best, and I hope you're doing ok.

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