I was talking to a friend the other day who shared with me that his neighbours regularly talk in a negative and abusing way towards their 2 children. Words like ‘you little s**t, you are a c**t’, f** off’. The children are no older than 8 years of age.
During childhood, roughly up to age 8, the brain has no filter. This means that during this phase of life, the brain takes in everything and processes it in the most basic terms.
As my work mainly focuses on healing trauma from childhood, knowing that these parents use these words towards their children deeply disturbed me, especially because of the impact that those words can have on the children who are learning this behaviour from their own parents.
In my opinion, there are 2 options as to how this will affect them in the future:
1 - They will grow up believing that they are not good enough (or that they are sh**y people) which will lead them to not trying to achieve any goals that they may set for themselves. They may also meet people who might treat them in a negative way so as to confirm and validate the beliefs they have about themselves (instilled by the parents).
2 - They will use the same behaviour and words towards others as it is what they learned growing up. This is the ‘normal’ behaviour to have.
These patterns of behaviour will continue until (and if) they realise that change must happen in order to move forward in a positive way.
Words are powerful and they can affect us, our behaviour, actions, choices, and lives. Words have the power to inspire and encourage, they can fill us with the feeling of being valued, loved, seen and heard. They can change our way of thinking.
On the other side, words can tear down and destroy us, making us feel vulnerable, unloved, and unappreciated. They can shatter relationships.
The relationship with our parents can have long-term implications for our life and future relationships. It can have an impact on the way we treat the people around us, and influences the way we see ourselves.
I am sure that by reading this you are now thinking about your own childhood and how your parents or caregivers spoke to you, what words and beliefs became your ‘normal’, and how they have impacted your own life.
Some words are said unintentionally. I remember my mum telling me that I was ‘just a child to be anxious’ to ‘don’t cry, it’s silly’. Even though those words were said with love, they affected how I expressed my feelings later in life. They led me to believe that expressing emotions was silly and not important.
Only when I realised that validating how I feel is essential for my emotional and mental wellbeing, I started to release the beliefs that were instilled by those words said in my childhood.
I believe that words, as well as trauma, can be passed down from one generation to the next. This cycle of unhealthy behaviour will carry on until one person decides to break this cycle. [I posted a video some time ago on generational trauma, if interested you can watch it here]. There is always a cycle breaker in the family.
The interesting thing about the power of words is that once heard repeatedly in our childhood, they become ours. We believe them, they become our truths. These words stay in our mind. BUT they are not absolute, they are simply the perception our subconscious accepted as our story.
Can you recognise unhealthy words that you keep telling yourself that you heard in your childhood? If you think about it, it is most likely that these words didn’t start with you…you didn’t wake up one day thinking and believing those words, right? Therefore there is a way out.
There is the opportunity to change them, shift them, let them go and make space for more supportive and positive ones.
The way to start is to think about something you want to achieve but you find so hard to do so…what is your mind telling you? Is it supportive or not? Are you telling yourself that you can or never will?
Investigate it back to your childhood and see what events, what repetitive situations, what feelings, and words surround that area of your life.
Here are some journal prompts to start this process.
What words do I keep telling myself that don’t align with what I want for myself?
What area of my life is not working out at the moment? Why?
Do I allow myself to embrace the most amazing experiences in my life? If not, what’s stopping me?
Take your time to ponder on these questions and do your best to become aware of what you tell yourself is not yours to carry (not anymore anyway).
Once you uncover that root belief you can choose to see it through your adult mind. You can release it. You can implant new beliefs (and new positive words) in its place.
This is your life and you choose what to carry and what to believe. It’s all about understanding yourself and how your mind thinks. The next step is to choose to let go of any unhelpful beliefs and ‘truths’ that don’t support your new goals. This process may take some time, but it’s totally possible and definitely worth it.
