The one thing that has been repeated over and over again in my study of peace and conflict is the importance of forgiveness. You study that in order for a society to truly reconcile and more forward from a violent past, a certain level of forgiveness has to be reached. Many scholars of transitional justice have discussed various techniques to help societies recover do just this, all of which center around this idea of truth seeking and ultimate forgiveness.
It makes perfectly logical sense and the empirical evidence supports the theory. In societies where a level of forgiveness has been reached post conflict, such as in Rwanda, the people have been able to successfully move on and create a fully functioning and even successful civil society, whereas people who refuse to admit fault and forgive the various warring factions, such as in Bosnia, tensions are still very present and the society has a difficult time functioning effectively. Why? Because in constructing a new society, post conflict, every group is included equally – victims and rebels alike. In order to have the best future, these groups must decide that their shared future is more important than their divided past. True reconciliation only occurs after a certain level of forgiveness has been reached.
Why is it then that we as individuals are so unwilling to move on from personal problems without some kind of formal apology? We hold on to grudges and hard feelings for months, even years after the fact. We’d rather make a point of ignoring someone who has wronged us in some way than act civil. We are so unwilling to budge from our stance until we receive the apology, which we believe we deserve because any other action would be seen as weakness. We spend so much time upset and frustrated, waiting for the gratification we expect to receive after we hear the magical phrase – “I was wrong. I’m sorry.”
But what does that really do for us? It makes us waste time and energy into something that only makes us experience negative emotions. It takes more effort to hate someone than to feel indifference towards them. What do we really gain by holding on to these wrong doings instead of moving ahead with our lives onto bigger and better things? Even if you’re lucky enough to here those two small words, what do they really mean after years of waiting? At that point you are already so bitter and jaded, the apology alone isn’t enough anymore. These types of apologizes are never enough, and probably never will be. We hold onto this idea that in order to forgive and move forward, we need the other person to acknowledge exactly what they did and why that was wrong.
We believe that by forgiving someone allows them to somehow “get away” with what they’ve done.
The truth – forgiveness is for the victim, not for the accused.
The act of forgiving someone is for the satisfaction of the victim, not the accused. By forgiving someone, you are letting go of all the negative emotions you have been harboring towards them and deciding that it’s not worth it. The person who you forgive may be grateful for that forgiveness, but more often than not it does not truly affect them, especially if they do not believe they have done something wrong in the first place.
You don’t need an apology to forgive someone. You just need to decide that enough is enough – this person is not worth feeling this way and it’s time to move on with your life. Most times, they already have.
So it’s time for all of us to accept the apology we never got and probably never will. It’s time to forgive your dad for walking out on your family, you mom from spending your college fund on her drug addiction, your ex for dumping you a week before your grandma died, and your friend for not being there for you when you needed her the most. By forgiving these people, you are not condoning their actions but instead are deciding not to let them have control over your life and your happiness any longer.
Harboring hate in your heart only makes you miserable. That grudge you have is only affecting you – the other person probably has no idea. The person who cares the least always has the upper hand.
Forgiving isn’t forgetting. It’s deciding that despite whatever it is, it’s too insignificant to stop you from living your life to its fullest.
