The United States of America is facing one of its biggest threats in history. This problem has existed since the day America declared independence, and has become increasingly exacerbated over time. You may be thinking that there are a plethora of problems facing the American people right now, and each problem does not necessarily outweigh the other in severity or importance. Well, I am here to tell you that you're wrong. The single most threatening issue facing America today is poverty. I don't mean the state of poverty, I mean poor people themselves. Poor people are killing the American dream.

That's right, the poor are killing the American dream.

The impoverished sector of our nation has become more and more aggressive over the last several decades. They go on strike, they riot in the streets, and they even have the audacity to make demands of us, the affluent, apathetic upper-class. Their demands include such trivial things as fair wages and working conditions, affordable education, healthcare, and childcare. Oh, and a tax system that doesn't screw them. How selfish of them to expect their own country to provide these basic necessities? Additionally, they expect to be provided all of these things while lazily sitting at home on the tax payer's dime.

The poor want to take away everything that we have. They want to be just like us, all the while putting in exactly zero amount of work. I mean we have all worked very hard to amass copious wealth, status, and privilege. We ascended through the ranks of social class through diligence and focus. We pulled ourselves up by our own bootstraps, if you will, and that is the very principle the poor are threatening to destroy. The perception of the American dream is that if you work hard you can make it anywhere, preexisting wealth and status have nothing to do with it. Dishonesty, lying, cheating, stealing, tax loopholes, and wage theft are all factors that have nothing to do with how we made our livings. Furthermore, I can tell you right now that race had absolutely nothing to do with it either.

You may be thinking that this problem sounds pretty serious, but what can we really do about, there are so many of them and so little of us? I'm glad you asked, I am proposing a modest solution, but nothing as grotesque as eating the poor before they can starve to death. It's been done and it didn't work.

Obviously, the solution has to be something that cannot be directly linked back to us. We need to seem compassionate enough, while at the same time maintaining a certain degree of apathy. So, I am proposing that we simply flood impoverished areas with as many dangerous and illegal substances as possible. If we can get the majority of the poor hooked on these addictive substances for life they will either overdose or continually be in and out of the prison system, which effectively demolishes their ability to organize.

We already have a pretty good start. The pharmaceutical companies are doing an amazing job of pushing addictive substances on the needy and vulnerable, but we need to do more. For example, the poor have a limited number of food types they can buy using their unwarranted government assistance, so why not start lacing the food with these deadly drugs. Additionally, the poor are also sequestered near heavily industrialized areas where factories spew out carcinogenic smog (that we helped to deregulate). So, why not somehow lace the smoke with addictive agents.

I think getting the poor to seemingly destroy themselves through drug use is a fairly viable option, and much more cost effective than more humane solutions. I mean it would be a significant waste of money to invest in affordable education so that the impoverished actually have a chance to get out of the death-grip that is poverty. It would be even more wasteful to provide a minimum wage that is not comparable to slave labor or indentured servitude.

God forbid, we afford the less wealthy with the same rights and dignities as everyone else. God forbid we allow the bottom ninety-nine percent a seat at the table of prosperity and human decency.

The only affordable and conceivable, and by affordable and conceivable I mean easy, solution to protecting the wealthy from the poor is to make them as susceptible to addiction as possible, and to deny them any chance of ever recovering.

This is the only viable proposal to the dilemma of the haves and the have-nots. The haves will ultimately snuff out the have-nots, its capitalism, its human evolution.