I'm not really sure where to begin. I guess I'll start by saying I am, for the most part, a healthy, happy, and really blessed 20 year old. I am so very thankful for my amazing family and friends that I adore so much. But I do struggle. I know my struggles aren't as extreme as most, but I do struggle, and it is important. It's important for me to realize that my struggles are actually real problems.

I'm writing this solely because I know so many people struggle with this and it is a big problem in our generation. More people struggle with it than we think. So here I am, sitting in bed writing this on my tenth day of quarantine.

I'm not sure if I would label what I have as an actual eating disorder, but I do know that it is a problem I have.

I would say I have a bit of an obsessive personality — when I love something, I LOVE it. Just ask any of my close friends — if I find something that I love, there's no going back. Seriously.

Anyway. I would say my obsession with food and my body image started a little over a year ago. It was either I was eating Chick-fil-A and Papa John's all day, or I was eating 500 calories or less. I would binge eat for a couple of days and then realize I was gaining weight and feeling gross, so I would think to myself, "Okay, starting tomorrow I will eat healthily and workout!!!!"

But when the next day would come, I wouldn't eat healthier.

I would restrict myself from almost all food, wake up and take Adderall, and force myself to work out for as long as I could. I had no energy. When I say I would restrict myself, I would only allow myself to eat a smoothie for breakfast, two rice cakes with turkey slices, and a chicken breast for dinner.

That's not healthy by any means.

I would literally go to bed with hunger pains. But I didn't care.

I would think to myself "I know you're hungry but you're gonna be so much happier when you get skinnier."

I would take 4-5 apple cider vinegar shots per day because I thought they would "speed up my metabolism." I would take over the recommended dose of magnesium pills because I thought they helped with bloating. I would go on these "health kicks" for a couple of weeks at a time until I literally felt so deprived that I would binge on so much food. I would eat everything you could imagine — pizza, french fries, ice cream, pretzels, pasta. I would eat everything I was depriving my body from. But after my binge day was done, I would go right back to my restricting "diet."

I wasn't sleeping, either. My Adderall was keeping me up until 5 a.m. when I had my bio lab at 10 a.m. I would stay up on my phone watching Youtube videos like "What I Eat in A Day to Lose Weight" or "Ways to Get Abs in 3 weeks!" I would stay up and use the notes on my phone to plan my meals for the next day and calculate the calories.

Looking through my Google searches today, I saw two that really stood out to me. I searched "what are the calories in half an orange" and "what are the calories in 15 almonds?"

Half an orange? 15 almonds? You're kidding me. I can't believe the stress I was putting on my body — and for what reason? It's literally a piece of fruit. I wouldn't even let myself have a whole piece of fruit. That's ridiculous.

It was a constant battle with my mind and body. I told myself this was the only way I was going to be happy and feel beautiful. There have been so many times I have said no to hanging out with friends because I had no energy, was in such a bad mood because I was so hungry, and I didn't want to hang out with people because I was afraid that I may get tempted to eat something unhealthy. I was ruining my body. I know I knew this in the back of my mind, yet I stuck with this cycle for so long.

Today, I woke up and I decided I was done fighting this battle. I realized that I can't live this way.

I'm not saying I am some depressed twenty year old, because I'm not. I have an amazing family, the best friends in the world, and I really do love my life. But I know that this cycle must end. I know I am too hard on myself. I realize that I am abusing my body. I have realized there is so much more to life.

I had an image of "perfect" in my mind and I was trying to reach that perfect. Little did I know that the perfect was literally taking over my mind. There is no such thing as perfect. If I keep this up, I would have never reached the perfect and thank God I realized that. I can't tell you how many times I've stayed up at night scrolling through Pinterest looking for new "tips and tricks" to lose weight. Scrolling through people's Instagram feeds, comparing myself, wishing I looked like those "perfect" people.

Everyone fights their own battles. Everyone has flaws. Personally, it's gotten to the point where my every thought was revolved around what I was eating, what I wasn't allowed to eat, or what type of workout I should be doing. It was consuming my whole being. I've lost sleep and missed out on memories that I could have made all due to me being completely obsessed with my body image. Mentally and physically it was taking over my whole mind.

I am so glad I came to realize that this is actually a problem. I think that is the first step to getting better.

So many people struggle with things like these but don't talk about it. It helps me to talk about it. It is hard to be confident. But it's okay. It is okay to struggle with food and your body. It is normal. Everyone struggles with confidence and body image. But what isn't okay is how I was treating myself. Life is so precious and I know that.

It's important to realize that you don't have to have that thigh gap and abs to love yourself.

Now, I'm ready to be healthy.