I was 21 when I got engaged to my high school sweetheart. We had been together for 6 years. Everyone thought we would make it. They were all rooting for us and to be honest I was too. Sometimes I sit here and wonder where we would be if we had followed through with that wedding we planned. If we had just walked down that isle on October 9, 2018. Would we have kids by now? Would we have a house? What would it look like? Would we both be happy? Would we still be married now?
You were my world. I fell so hard for you and I knew you would catch me. You lit my sky up in some of my darkest moments. You held me. You made sure that I felt the love that I deserved. You cared so much about me but I still questioned it. I loved you more than anything in the entire world. You were my happiness. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't spend with you. We did everything together. You honestly were my world. They say a love like that can't be replaced. They say that you only get that love once in a life time. Sadly I let that go. Sometimes I sit here and wonder if you still think about me. I try to move on and forget about the past but sometimes its hard. Sometimes I wish I could call you to hear your voice. Sometimes I wish I could reach for you and you would be in the bed beside me. Sometimes I wish I could feel your arms around me protecting me from this crazy thing called life. And sometimes I wish I could hear you say "I love you" one last time.
You were going to be my forever. I was the one that got scared and chickened out at such a young age. I should have been honest with you. I felt the pressure of us rushing to get married and instead of telling you I left. I left you behind and honestly it is one of my biggest regrets in life. My family adored you, my friends did too. Hell they still do. It hurts me anytime you come up in one of their discussions,. I think its because deep down I still miss you. I still have some of those old feelings there. I wish that I could go back in time sometimes. I wish I could have been honest. I wish I could have told you to give me a little bit more time.
Now its come to the point where we don't even speak, Its been like that for awhile now. I have tried to reach out a few times but I know that I caused you so much pain so I don't even expect a reply now. There is still apart of me that wishes things could be different. There is a part of me that wishes we could go back to the way things were but I know that's something that is off the table for you.
Sometimes I wish I was more of an adult when I was dealing with us and our break up. Ill be honest sometimes I still cry from that pain and honestly I don't think I will ever fully heal from it. I don't think I will ever be able to fully let go of that love either no matter how hard I try. I miss you. I still do. You were my first true love and they say its hard to forget your first love.
