I just recently had an epiphany.

I traveled out of California to see someone I care about last week. During the same trip, I also saw a close friend (we’ll call him K) who’s seen the craziest and most ridiculous side of me. I was so bouncy, upbeat, and loud when hanging out with K. I found myself making the dumbest jokes, laughing the highest-pitch “crescendo” (quote K), and telling my most embarrassing secrets. Yet, he adores me regardless.

Prior to seeing K, I spent most of my time with the someone I care about a lot, and I’d been feeling very down and lethargic. I just couldn’t understand why I was feeling so icky and even miserable around him. Spending time with K finally helped me realize what was wrong: I could barely bring myself to smile (forget about laughing). I moved around super gingerly (forget about bouncing around). I spoke with the quietest voice (forget about my high-pitch tone). I was behaving so differently around this person I like. But, shouldn’t one feel happy to spend time with someone they care about a lot?

I threw the question at K during our phone call last night.

“I noticed that. You didn’t feel like you when you were around him.” K said.

That’s it! I inhaled sharply. An epiphany rolled off of my tongue.

You can only be happy if you’re being yourself around the person you care about.

I care about this person a lot, so when I was around him, I didn’t even know how to talk! I felt icky because I was unconsciously toning my real personality down! I’m naturally a LOUD TOMBOY, but I felt like I needed to be more “feminine” (whatever that means?!) around this person I like. I wasn’t consciously doing it, but my quiet and timid actions spoke volumes.

Maybe it was my past relationships haunting me, giving me the impulse to be the “perfect girl.” I was afraid that the real me would scare him away. I was terrified that I might lose him. However, being a “perfect girl” is not me! I suddenly realized I was the one making myself miserable around the person I like by forcing myself to be a different person when I should simply enjoy every moment we have together!

This person has met me before when I didn’t take any interest in him. He’s seen the real me. The loud, bouncy, silly me. The girl who worked at summer camp without any makeup on. The girl who got ridiculously burnt because she refused to wear sticky sunscreen in the 80-degree weather of San Diego. The girl who jumped around with groups of middle schoolers. The girl who made the lamest jokes. Yet, he still chose to talk to me. Why then do I need to tone myself down to please him, when he is perfectly comfortable with talking to the tomboy me?

Yeah, I hear you. It can be scary to be around the person you care about! Raise your hand if you’ve never questioned yourself – Why is it that I can be crazy silly around my friends, but the moment I see that person I like, I don’t even know where to put my hands?! I don’t see any hand, so I’ll take it as you all agree.

Isn’t it weird that we can NOT be ourselves the moment we take an interest in someone? Yet, in front of this special someone is exactly when we SHOULD be the most honest version of ourselves. We, either consciously or unconsciously, believe we need to be the “perfect” girl or guy to please the person we like, but what if they like us, the real us? What if the person we like doesn’t even like the “perfect us” we imagine they like?

After the phone call with K, I felt a strong urge to call the person I like. And I did.

I heard my voice gradually becoming brighter and more high-pitch, as I gave him a rundown of my epiphany. I giggled and ended the long spiel with, “I hope you don’t mind the super loud me.”

“I’m glad you’re being yourself again. I noticed that. Remember I kept asking you, ‘why are you so quiet?’” He replied. Apparently, I was the only one not recognizing I was behaving differently.

It’s okay to feel intimidated by the person you like or by your strong feelings towards that person. I felt intimidated by the person I like. However, don’t let that stop you from being yourself! We should not compromise who we are for the people we like. As soon as I declared my real personality and decided to be myself again, I felt more at ease.

I felt more okay that things may not work out between us. I felt lighter, brighter, and more hopeful. I never should’ve changed who I am. When I changed myself, I was afraid the real me may scare him away. Fear took control of me. That made me feel so small and miserable.

The moment I decided not to let fear imprison the real me was when I stopped fearing altogether. Doing that thing you are most scared of is the exact thing that can stop your fear. That, my friends, is the epiphany I had – the paradox of being yourself.