We, as a species, have assigned names to our different fears. Sometimes, the names don't quite match up, so I have decided to delve deeper.

People Fear Balloons

Who wouldn't be afraid of balloons? They're full of gas that makes your voice sound weird! They're unnatural.

The Fear of Balloons is Globophobia.

This makes some sense. Balloons are globe-like in shape, and I'm sure some people believe balloons are the world. Also, why not be afraid of globes? They're so pretentious, thinking they can show you the whole world or something.

The Fear of Globes is Cheezaphobia.

This also makes sense. While the Earth is not made of cheese, the moon is, so I'm sure some ancient linguist had their reasons. If the image above makes you uncomfortable, then you probably live in fear of cheese. It is a phobia that affects many Americans, and you are not alone.

The Fear of Cheese is Turophobia.

Now, I have no idea what this means. The Greek word for cheese is "turi," but that doesn't help us here. I think "turo" sounds like "tarot." Tarot cards are scary. Why should I know my future? I already know I'm disappointing my parents; do I need other people to tell me just how much I end up disappointing them.

The Fear of Tarot Cards is Wiccaphobia.

The diet of most Wicca consists of tarot cards, so this makes perfect sense. Tarot cards are not the most nutritious. When I hear "Wicca," I think of wicker furniture. I don't like thinking about furniture.

The Fear of Furniture is Furniturephobia.

The only phobia that makes perfect sense. Who needs Latin? I only understand English.

Conclusion: Furniture is the first fear that humans recorded.

Imagine: You're a caveman. Somebody shows you this crazy new invention: a chair! Why would you need a chair? You've got plenty of giant rocks to sit on. And what is that thing called a table? Eating off of the floor has never been a problem! Furniture is new and scary, and you don't like change.