Disclaimer: The opinions stated below are my own and should be taken with a grain of salt. Please drink legally and responsibly.
America's Next Top Model is an interesting television show to say the least. Depending on the episode, the show would touch on relevant social commentary on the standards of beauty. Other times, you get this bullshit.
Most of the time, it's "dulce de licky licky".
With all the chaos that's occurring the world right now, mindless entertainment is a cool refreshing stream in a desert heat wave. And this show is an entire fucking oasis, giving us common folks glimpse into the Tijuana Carwash that is the fashion world. This December, America's Next Top Model finally returns to our awaiting screens. But until then, binge watching the cycles of the past must suffice. And what quality binge watching fest isn't complete without alcohol.
Lots and lots of alcohol.
That's why, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the America's Next Top Model Drinking Game. And honestly if you've never gotten plastered alone while watching people far more attractive yourself jetset to places you'll probably never travel to, then you're missing out.
1. Tyra's Face Takes Up At Least Half of the Opening Credits
Yeah, we're starting right out of the gate. Take a shot if Tyra's face is over 50% of the opening credits. You would think that in a theme song that is only about twenty seconds long, that it'd be impossible to squeeze in all fifteen contestants as well as at least 15 secs of Tyra Banks mugging it up for the camera. But somehow, they found a way. Honestly, the most hilarious thing is watching as the theme songs progressively not only got longer and longer, but featured less and less of the contestants.
2. The Token Crazy Ass Bitch
There's always one crazy ass bitch, that one who will do anything and everything to take the crown. Obviously, she (or he in the later seasons) will act as the show's antagonist for the audience to rally against, keeping the tension, and ratings, high. The token crazy bitch is a necessity to the ANTM's formula. Without her, the show honestly feels naked.
So when you see her, and she will reveal herself quickly, make sure to take a shot.
3. The Token Southern Belle
She's the anti-crazy bitch, hailing from a small town in the South or the Midwest. Sweet, bubbly, and as threatening as a jar of marshmallow fluff, she's probably running away from her uber conservative family. She's for sure going to say something racist by the end of the season or have a meltdown when asked to take off her clothes during a shoot.
When you hear that Southern drawl, better raise that glass to your lips.
4. Makeover Meltdowns
Yup, tip your glass back if a girl has a breakdown during makeovers. It almost as if these girls have never seen the show before. It's always the girl who really loves her hair that gets it chopped. I don't see why they never think Tyra wouldn't do it to them.
Look at this face.
Does this look like a face of mercy?
5. Tyra Fucks Up Someone's Make-Over
Yeah, speaking of Tyra having no mercy, there's bound to be one makeover that descended straight from the tackiest realm of Hell. Everything from shitty weaves to mullets (which are the crocs of hairdos), Tyra has inflicted these punishments upon on her models, like some sort of reverse fairy godmother, taking them from chic to bleak.
Ever wonder why a lace front beard isn't a thing?
No, you haven't because you have common sense. Apparently, common sense that Tyra lacks because poor Denzel from Cycle 21 receieved this form of cruel and unusual punishment.
Be sure to pour one out for the death of Denzel's dignity.
6. The Crazy Ass Runway Fashion
Considering the fact that marijuana printed socks are the closest thing I'll ever get to high fashion, I have no idea if these outfits are considered "good" by the industry's standards. And frankly I don't even care. Even stone cold sober, some of these outfits are absolutely hilarious.
If the outfit looks like Rainbow Brite's pubes, that's a shot.
What the fuck is even happening here? Nevertheless, take another shot.
6. The Batshit Crazy Photoshoots
Yeah if you thought the runway shows were insane, the photoshoots is were the real madness begins. Remember when the girls in Cycle 6 had to krump with Juggalos.
Remember when the girls in Cycle 14 wore dresses made of human hair.
And of course who can forget the charming time Tyra made the girls don blackface in Cycle 7.
Personally my favorite was "the underwater" photoshoot that required the girls to pose on a giant wet mylar sheet, leading to this hilarious scene.
7. Every Time Tyra Makes Up A Word
In the real world, saying words like "smize", "tooch", "boom boom boom", and "dreckitude" would probably get you committed. But on ANTM these words are as common as sloppy weaves. Everybody that watches ANTM can tell you that the lexicon of Ms. Tyra Banks is a big part of the show. So if you hear anything like "Pot Ledom", "ty-over", and "flawsome", feel free to take a sip of my own original drink. Taking a page from Banks' book, I call this a "clorockstail" and it's the best drink to consume while playing this game.
Hopefully you find this game to be entertaining. If you're looking for a simpler version, you could always just take a shot every time someone says "fierce" but you'd be dead before the end credits began to roll.
