I feverishly began scanning my life for evidence of this intolerance, and it was everywhere. I do not have a car, so I live on campus to ensure absolute certainty that I will be able to get to school and the office on time. Relying on a system outside of myself doesn't always give me that guarantee. Before making important decisions in life I seek opinions and reassurance from multiple people in my life because I am terrified of making the "wrong" choice. Ladies and gentlemen, I am a perfectionist.
I spent months digging and auditioning for places all of the country, something I thought would provide me with a sense of certainty about my future. Once I had the final answer I was looking for, I found that I kept looking for more. I've learned now that the only thing that is predictable is unpredictability. Life, in its very nature, is a glorious mishmash of hope, joy, surprises and disappointment from moment of our birth to the inevitability of our death. Resisting this reality leads to constant struggle.
What bothers me the most about all of this is that my intolerance of uncertainty doesn't just impair my ability to take the bus, make a big decision, or feel secure in myself. It plagues my professional life. I've spent endless hours fantasizing about different directions I want to take my career ( my resume is a mile long-- the lectures I want to give, articles I want to write, performances I want to record, and dances I want to create.) And yet, once I have done these things- I still feel susceptible to failure. What if no one likes what I produce? What if I fail? What if no one wants to hear what I have to say? I keep waiting for some sort of absolute certainty of success, even though every day I help other people learn how to tolerate uncertainty so they can achieve their goals.
Over the past several years I have come across countless individuals who have talked about their aspirations and investing emotionally in their careers. I've seen these people face their fears of failure head on, so they can take the steps necessary to achieve their dreams. This has often involved leaving fabulous things that most people would give their right arm to achieve, so they can pursue more authentic paths for themselves.
Humbled, I've watched my courageous college graduate mates tolerate the uncertainty of what is to come and leap off the mountain without looking back. Some have found great success with their next steps while others have not been as fortunate. But even those who didn't get exactly what they wanted have the eternal gift of being able to say they tried. They didn't live their lives waiting for some mythical certainty that will never come. They won't have to look back at life and wonder "What if?" And the failure they did experience will likely help them grow as both individuals and professionals. If nothing else they now know that they can tolerate failure, they don't have to fear it. They jumped off the mountain and they survived
I know that right now I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but at the end of the day we are enjoying the best years of college... and this is time to make the most of it.
