You know that feeling when things seem like they are starting to get back to how they were before. Before you messed up. Before you stopped talking. Before life kept moving without you on the ride.
You know that feeling of “I’m done”. Done giving all my time. Done trying to be a part of something. Done attempting to get any farther in the friendship.
This is me saying I am done with trying to live like before. I am done trying so hard to get you to notice me and for you to reach out and talk to me for once. I am done trying to imagine what would have happened before we stopped talking. I can’t keep doing this, I can’t keep living my life trying to work towards making you notice me or acknowledge me. Maybe I messed up. Maybe I was too invested too fast or thinking too far ahead about the future and the “could be”s and the “should be”s without even seeing what was happening at the time. And for that I am sorry. But maybe it wasn’t just me…
Maybe it was you. Leading me on, maybe without even knowing that was what you were doing. Making me think all those late nights were more than just friends watching TV together. More than just talking about our fears, our families, our goals for the future. What about your family? Being greeted by a warm hug every time, even the very first time. Maybe it was you. Taking me with you on short and long car trips. Blasting old songs and singing at the top of our lungs for hour long car trips. Crossing borders as if it was a normal thing for just two friends to do.
So this is me finally realizing it’s time. Time for me to finally pick myself up and get a move on. Time for me to accept what has happened and to let go of before and move forward. You were important then but I am finally done. So please don’t come rolling back in months later acting like nothing has changed. Sure, life got in the way then but now I’m going to keep looking forward without thinking of the “what could have been” possibility.
I still want you to be around. You’re still my friend. But this is me accepting that right now that is what we are and what I need. So no more constantly “bumping into” you throughout the week or making sure I keep that streak alive. Life is always changing and I am finally ready to change with it.
