Blame, regret, and guilt. The three feelings that can keep us up at night. Unfortunately, over the past years, I’ve always placed the blame on myself which had only led me to feel regret and guilt. But what I’ve learned just recently is that everything isn’t my fault and it doesn’t mean it’s yours either. When it comes to relationships, any kind of relationship -- whether it’s with a family member or a friend -- we sometimes place the blame on ourselves for something that may have been a two-way street.
I’ll admit, I have my flaws. Flaws that can get the best of me but truly make me human. While in a relationship -- let’s call him Joe -- I realized that yes, I did screw up and so did he. Even though Joe had screwed up, I placed the blame on myself. Even to the stretch of apologizing for his actions. But even with the way that he hurt me, I had hurt him in the end. I wasn’t upfront with Joe about my past with depression from the get go, but how can you blame me? It was something that I didn’t want to bring up because it allowed me to be vulnerable and that scared me. However, and ironically, I ended up placing the blame on myself. I regretted the way things ended, but as of yesterday, I had come to the conclusion that I can’t blame myself for everything, even when the words “I’m sorry,” had become my best friend.
Oh my Grandma; the one who always seemed to glue my family together. Before her last years of living, she had been going to dialysis and was in and out of the hospital. But for me, it was hard to see her struggle, knowing that I couldn’t do anything to truly help her. And that’s where the blame, regret and guilt come in. For the last six months before her death, I only saw her three or four times and this is disgusting to understand when she lived five minutes away from me for those six months. Yes, I was a coward for not seeing her. Yes, I was selfish for not seeing her. I know that now, but when you’re faced with death in front of you and you can feel it in your bones, tell me how you’d react. I still feel the last time she held my hand. It was as if she was trying to prove to me that she was holding on for dear life but was slowly losing her grip as she became weak. Yes, I placed so much blame on myself the day after that when she had died. But the few minutes I had with her before she had passed, I was balling my eyes out and I wasn’t proud that that could have been the last memory that she could have had of me. Yes, I had placed so much blame on myself for not seeing her more before she passed. But the silver lining out of the situation was that I’m always able to remember her every time I look at my ankle. Before she had passed she had given me a cross that had said “The Lord Will Guide You Always,” and from the moment I heard that she had passed I had ironically been given a gift from my parents. So my next move was a no-brainer; it was to get a tattoo that would represent her.
Even through the blame, regret and guilt that has kept me up at night, I’ve realized that placing the blame on yourself isn’t necessary. No matter what relationship it is, more than likely it isn’t entirely your fault. It took me forever to finally realize this, and now that I know this, I can finally learn from it and apply it.
