I had my first “real” college spring break this past week, and, let me tell you, it did not disappoint. However, most of the guys I met did. They disappointed hard. I met all kinds of Bills, Bobs, and Joey the thirds, but only a select few types of guys impacted me the most, for better or for worse, while on this trip. I have detailed those types below. Enjoy.

1. The Cat-callers

These are the men who were standing on the sidewalk outside of clubs, brooding in their pimped out Honda Civics at red lights, propped against the bar, or sitting at the table next to you while you waited for your appetizer sampler platter. They try to grab your attention with their eyes first. You feel a burning, and you know somebody is looking at you like you’re a four course meal. You glance up to see The Cat-caller burrowing his eyes into yours. He doesn’t blink. Now that he sees that you have made eye contact, he thinks it’s go-time. He opens his mouth, and you can’t help but hope that he is about to recite a poem about how much he respects women and their intellectual abilities. But he doesn’t. The Cat-caller instead barks various “compliments” at you thinking that women like to be told what a bodacious body that have. You keep your eyes low so as not to mislead them into thinking you want to talk, but that has no affect on the auctioneer-style speed in which they are spewing out their enticing offers to “come grab a chair over here.” They turn as you walk past them, sometimes reaching out to touch your arm or bump their hip against yours. You grab the hand of the friend behind you to ensure that they too make it past the men without being snatched up and complimented to death. You haven’t even made it to the first stop of the night, and you’re already burnt out with men. Thanks, Cat-callers.

2. The Very Decent Guy

You and your friends have been scanning the crowd while making small talk trying to find guys to focus your time and energy on- somebody that would notice the way your lid shadow effortlessly blends into your crease shadow. Suddenly, he walks through the doors. He’s a solid 7.75 out of 10. He’s taller than you, not so skinny that you feel fat in comparison, but not so chubby that he doesn’t sport clearly defined natural muscle. (He needs to look like he has lifted heavy boxes in the past, and if the situation arose, he could do it again). He is smiling, (a good sign that he won’t punch you in the face if you were to walk up and say hello) and he has other guys with him (for your friends, but also if the one you originally picked out no longer tickles your fancy). Fast forward seven minutes, a few flirtatious grins, and four instances of reciprocated eye contact, and you’re talking to him: The Very Decent Guy. His friends are hitting it off with yours. He is actually able to hold a conversation. He tells you that you are super pretty. All is well. When he excuses himself to go to the bathroom, you begin planning out whose family you two will spend the holidays with this year. However, upon returning to the table, his friends make the dreaded announcement: They were going to try out another place on the strip. The Very Decent Guy hesitates. He is digging you as hard as you are digging him. But what choice does he have? He can’t split away from his friends. He has to make sure they don’t get too drunk or end up lost on the streets of Daytona. Before he can even finish putting his number in your phone before his tipsy friends jerk him away, dead set on finding a new place to drink the same beer they have been drinking all night. The crowd closes in behind him as he gets pulled towards the door. He’s gone. He tried to fight it, but the three shots his friends took gave them super strength apparently. You had so much hope. Now all you have is an open contact on your phone screen with nothing but an area code typed in. It was a Very Decent Area Code.

3. The Scum of the Earth

This type of guy could make up an entire article in itself. So, I’ll keep it vague and short because we all know exactly what these kinds of guys are like. The Scum of the Earth were the guys who might have been high on The Crack Rock, ones that wore sunglasses inside, ones that danced up on you when you were clearly just standing in line for the bathroom. These guys only wanted to take a girl out back, and I’m not talking about to Outback Steakhouse, a casual eatery where you both could enjoy a nice meal and get to know one another. These guys are the ones I threatened to punch in the mouth, pushed them away with my palm covering their face, and booty-bumped them off the dance floor when they magnetized to my backside. These guys were the reasons that my friends and I usually danced in a circle so that we could see if guys were going to come up behind one of us. Our dance circle was a modern day battle formation against the nastiest of nasties that crawled out from under the streets that night, and someone found his way to us. I’ll never be able to hear “Hotel Motel” by Pitbull ever again without feeling the urge to back up against a wall so that nobody can vertically spoon me.

4. The Fun Ones

These were the guys that danced with us FACING US RATHER THAN BACKING IT UP ON US. They laughed with my friends and I as we judged the other people staggering along the street. They bought us another appetizer sampler platter after we finished our first one. These were the guys that we actually had genuine fun with while on this trip. They didn’t try to get too fresh, too hip, or too freaky. They just wanted to have a little bit of good, clean fun with a group of nice girls. (That’s us by the way.) They are the ones that my friends and I can still talk about without grimacing or rolling our eyes. The Fun Ones really just let us have a good time without having any other expectations. On behalf of the entire female population, I want to thank you, Fun Ones.

So what if I didn’t find a husband while on Spring Break? I have plenty of time to find a guy that will help me look through a Pottery Barn catalog and decide which accent chair would go best with our living room set. Truthfully, a real college Spring Break would not be complete without the Cat-callers, the Very Decent- and elusive- Guys, The Scums of the Earth, and the Fun Ones. As much as I would have loved to have a whirlwind romance on the beach like Sandy and Danny in the intro to the cinematic classic “Grease,” I wouldn’t trade those sweaty, awkward, cringe-worthy guys for anything because they made my Spring Break one to laugh about for years to come.