I've been told time and time again, even by strangers, "You are so strong and positive, I don't know how you do it!"

And I am here to say now, I don't know how I do it. I don't know when I became so good at faking peace and happiness while I cry on the floor of my bathroom alone. No, it is not all fake, some days I feel like there is such a bright flame within my soul that I have to share with the world, sometimes I feel like I can conquer anything this world may throw at me.

That flame is not constant.

I suffer.

I deal with crippling depression where I don't even want to get out of bed.

It hits when I least expect it.

There is chaos in my mind.

That's where it gets really hard. It isn't a matter of something being wrong, nothing can be wrong, everything can be wonderful, but I will still feel that little monster tugging at my emotions. I will still feel weak in my moments I should feel the strongest. I will still feel alone, even when I know I'm surrounded by love and support.

There is a part of me I do not allow many people in my life to see, there is a part of me that is broken. There is no cause I blame this on, there is no trigger as to when this part of me will take over, it just happens, and I wish I knew why. I wish I felt the strength to truly open up and allow myself to seek help when these times come.

I have always been the one people come to when they are struggling. I have always carried the burdens of those I love with me, hurting for them almost as much as they hurt for themselves. I haven't quite figured out if this is a positive or negative quality to possess. I feel empathy in such a strong way, even for strangers. I know how it feels to hurt, and I hurt for those who are hurting. Maybe this is why I have such difficulty asking for help in my times of weakness, maybe it is the fear that someone out there will feel this hurt with me, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone, especially one I care for.

I know there is light.

I also know there is darkness.

But though my flame is dimming, I know the brightness will return.

It's always come back to me.

So for those who admire how strong a person can be all the time, find comfort in the truth that everyone breaks down. Everyone struggles. Even the strongest and brightest souls still see the rain.