A little over a year ago I had to make a really difficult decision. I graduated from college in December of 2014 and decided to stay in the town I went to school in for work. I was doing it on my own, and I was so proud of myself because I had a job right out of college, and I was kind of using my degree—I have a BA in Communication Studies, so I guess in order to not use my degree I would have to communicate with no one and isolate myself completely, but that's beside the point. For about a year, I was making it and sticking it to all the haters by being mildly successful. In June, I went to help out with a summer camp at my church back home and there were some friends that told me I should move back, but because I was busy being super successful, I just laughed and said "maybe!"
Then I took a second job that required an hour commute both ways, but it paid pretty well, so I wasn't complaining. Everything was going great, and I was making enough money to pay rent and utilities and buy food and do stuff with my friends. I had nothing to complain about. But then, student loan payments started.
I didn't plan at all for college, so I paid for basically all of it with federal student loans. This isn't a story about student loans and how irresponsibly I acted—although that does play a huge part in this story, but more in like a background info that brings greater clarity sort of way—this is a story about the year after my payments started.
After a few months of not so great sales and an added payment to my usual bills, I started to struggle. So I weighed all my options and tried to figure out every way that I could possibly make it work, but it was getting harder and harder, and I was almost missing payments. I realized that the best choice was for me to move back home. It was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever made, and I hated it.
I felt like I was such a failure because I didn't even make it a full year on my own. I reached one of the lowest places that I thought I could emotionally because I realized that I wasn't good enough. I was a disappointment to myself and everyone else. I had believed that my value was in my ability to need no one else, and since I couldn't do that, I was crushed.
On December 14th I moved home, dejected, broken, and bitter. I thought nothing good could come out of such an abysmal failure. I was wrong of course, but it's taken me almost a year to realize that.
I learned a lot this year. I have a lot of stories about wonderful things that happened and beautiful people that I've met. I have a lot of stories of heartbreak that happened. I had a lot of really boring days and a few really exciting ones. It has been the most difficult year of my life to date, and I don't think I'm being dramatic when I say that. Sometimes, though, the best lessons are the hardest to learn, and the way you learn them is seldom the easiest, most favorable method. I'm sure that it would be much more exciting if I told the stories, but the lessons are the important part and, like I said, I've learned a lot this year. So here's what I learned:
1. Just because something doesn't go the way you planned it, it doesn't mean that all is lost. Often God's plans for us are so different from what we wanted, but so much better than what we expected.
2. You should never center your life around people. People are not permanent, they move away or just disappear. People will disappoint you because they are not perfect, but isolating yourself is not sustainable.
3. Good people who really know you and you can be vulnerable with are vitally important. These people are also not the easiest to come by.
4. Laughter is only the best medicine if you mean it. Don't laugh if you aren't amused, and when you are, make it count.
5. People who are too serious are the LITERAL worst. There is a time for being serious, but there is also a time to make loud animal noises in public and not care who hears because you're laughing your head off with the amazing people you met from lesson number three.
6. People will you tell you that it's ok to cry, and they are right. It doesn't fix anything usually, but acknowledging loss is important. There's nothing wrong with feeling deeply, and there's nothing worse than feeling nothing at all.
7. Good food is not a cure for anything. It's anesthesia, and it makes a terrible god.
8. It's O.K to not be 100 percent sure what's next. This isn't a reason for despair. It's a reason to dream bigger.
9. Paula Dean impressions are never not funny.
10. Forgiveness is more important for you than you realize. Accept it when it's offered. Give it when you don't feel like it's deserved—however hard it may be.
11. Say the hard things that need to be said. The people that you say them to will be angry with you for sure, but it's often the most loving thing that you can do.
12. Go to a place that you have never been for a few weeks, somewhere that's near the ocean and where you can see all of the stars. Visit the mountains.
13. Try new things every day. You may find something that you love.
14. Go somewhere that you don't speak the language and explore.
15. Admit that you were wrong.
16. Accept help when you need it; even if you don't feel like you do, accept it when it's offered.
17. Laugh at yourself when you make mistakes. Then, do what you can to fix it.
18. Be generous with what you have, even if it isn't much.
19. No matter how hard you try to numb real pain, it doesn't go away unless you face it and find hope in Christ.
20. Music is really good for you. Listen to good music, live music.
21. You can always learn something new. Look for lessons in the hard things. Never forget what you learn. Your experience is important for your own growth and for you to be there for others.
