Before we got married, my husband and I received marriage counseling from the pastor who was to perform our ceremony. One of the things that he stressed was the importance of the five love languages: words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, quality time and acts of service.
I had heard about this before—my mom had even given me the book written by Gary Chapman, which delves deeper on this topic. I had read parts of the book, especially focusing on sections that I thought most pertained to my love language—quality time. Then the pastor asked us both to read the entire book and take the test on the last pages. After doing so, I realized that quality time is not my only primary love language. I also discovered how difficult it can be to speak a love language that is not my own.
Now that I’ve been married for a few months, I’m discovering just how important it is to speak your spouse’s love language. Speaking his language demonstrates that he is important to you. It demonstrates that you are putting him first. But it isn’t easy by any means. Putting aside your selfishness is also difficult because it goes against human nature. And just as learning a foreign language is difficult, speaking a love language that is not your own can be even more so. Why? Because each individual needs to be loved in their own way. Each person has a reason for speaking the love language that they do.
Like with most things, it’s easiest to do what you know. For instance, when your love language is predominantly quality time, you tend to give your loved ones quality time. In your mind, you are showing your love for them. Quality time is important to you, and giving it to others just shows them how important they are to you. So, in your mind, their love tank should be full, right? Not necessarily. You are showing them your love language, but they might not speak that language. Their love tank is still empty. The only way to truly fill a person’s love tank is to speak their love language.
This is harder than it sounds. It truly is like learning to speak another language. My husband’s primary love language is gifts. When I bring him home a present he lights up. This is a difficult language for me to speak, however, because to me, gifts are reserved for special occasions such as birthdays and Christmas. My practicality makes it difficult to buy people gifts because I want the person to appreciate it as well as be able to use it. I have trouble understanding why a gift, even something as small as a candy bar, shows love. But I love my husband and it’s important that he knows how much I love him. I have to put myself in his place and see his perspective. When I do, I fill his love tank. When the love tanks are full, it helps us as a couple to feel more connected.
But love languages are not just for couples. When you care for someone, be it a relative or a friend, you want to demonstrate that you love them. The best way to do that is to learn their love language and then learn to “speak” it. Filling love tanks creates loving relationships in which both individuals give and receive. Jesus does it for us—it’s our turn to do it for those we love!
