I catch myself using the idiom "the best thing since sliced bread" every now and then, not thinking much of it. It's an idiom. Why would I be spending my free time thinking about idioms? Well, I thought about this one. Why sliced bread, you know? Apparently, bread-making is one of the oldest food technologies dating back to the Neolithic era (the last stage of the Stone Age) and was one of the first food products mass manufactured with automatic machinery. Thus, it was through this supposedly groundbreaking bread-making technology that many other inventions and patents were created (e.g. the bread slicer). That makes sense. But I think I like my version of the story is better.
The History of Sliced Bread
When the first slice of bread was carved
the entire world lost its shit.
Time slowed as the knife
was carefully poised over the loaf.
Pudgy faces turned purple
and pupils were on the precipice of popping
as breaths were held to better hear
the warm, muffled crunch of breaking crust.
And when the unprecedented innovation
was completed, a heavy tension rested in the air
already dense from the steam of the oven
where the chosen loaf was created.
Everything remained still
until the knife was gingerly set down
on the side of the cutting board without a sound,
gracefully signifying the dawn of a new era.
Loved ones locked lips
like it was twelve o'clock on New Years Day,
enemies softened their scowls,
shook hands, and made amends —
what reason did they have to hold onto grudges?
The world was once again an amazing place full of possibility!
Children ran outside and tumbled gaily
in the fields, their parents not worrying nor caring
about grass stains that would never come out
of their pressed pants.
Fervid tears of joy raced down
rosy cheeks as everyone erupted in cheers,
for they would now be able to do unimaginable things
like eat sandwiches
and fit their bread into toasters.
And who do we have to thank
for this unrivaled phenomenon?
No one knows.
After all, the most selfless acts of charity
are performed anonymously.
Make no mistake, though.
This magnanimous feat would be remembered throughout history,
and to thank the faceless hero,
it would only be proper
to compare all future innovations
to the best thing the world has ever seen.
